


Tomorrow

by Knightly



Series: Don't Panic [2]
Category: The Avengers (2012), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Emotionally Repressed, F/M, Getting Together, Getting their shit together, M/M, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Slash, Slight Violence, Slow burning love story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-31
Updated: 2014-05-11
Packaged: 2017-12-13 13:19:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 31,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/824742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Knightly/pseuds/Knightly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One thing should be noted first and foremost and that thing is that, at first, Steve never wanted to be in love with Tony.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story had been edited. Thanks to my procrastination for school work I've actually managed another chapter that will be posted asap. I've also got some artwork I'm drawing that I'd like to add pretty soon. If this is your first time reading, I hope you enjoy and if you've read this before, I hope you enjoy the changes.

One thing should be noted first and foremost and that thing is that, at first, Steve never wanted to be in love with Tony. Even after they had become friends, even after they had become good friends, it wasn't something Steve had spent any time secretly pining for. It was as far away from what he'd had planned for his life as he could have ever imagined.

Well, no, that wasn’t true. That award would have to go to teaming up with the Red Skull and going dark side, which, he didn’t want to think about ever again.

He and Tony being together were up there though; it was something so far-fetched that it caught him completely off guard when it crossed his mind.

He’d been down in Tony’s lab the first time he’d noticed anything.

It wasn’t until they had become friends, real friends, that Steve had even set foot in the door of Tony’s lab but when he did, Steve had barely managed to keep his hands to himself and not let his fingers run over everything that caught his eye. Tony’s lab was exactly the type of place that Steve thought really looked the way Steve had always imagined the future would be. It was sleek, modern, and full of glowing images littered in the air. It screamed ‘Tony Stark’ in big, bold holographic letters and Steve had walked around with wide impressed eyes until he caught Tony leaning against his desk with a knowing smirk on his face.   

Steve told Tony the lab was ‘nice’ that day. What he hadn’t told him was that it made him feel small. He felt dwarfed by all the newness around him, like he was back to his pre-serum body. Down in the lab, Tony was larger than life, and Steve was just a guy trying to keep up. It wasn’t a particularly bad feeling though. He never had a problem with being small so much as he’d had a problem with feeling useless and even though they’d gotten off to a bad start, Tony didn’t make him feel useless.

Steve felt comfortable in Tony’s space, never felt like he was intruding where he wasn’t needed. It was probably the reason why Tony’s lab had become one of his most frequented spots to spend time, sometimes reading, mostly drawing in one of his many sketchbooks.

A few months after waking up from the ice, Steve had found a little art shop tucked quietly away between a busy Chinese restaurant and a dingy coffee shop that continuously pumped out strange music that for some reason included a lot of what sounded like flutes and drums. The shop keeper had been weathered with age, with a smile that set off the creases at her eyes. Eyes that had somehow managed to convince Steve to load up an entire basket full of all the ‘must haves’. He’d walked away with a few moleskin sketchbooks, pencils, erasers, pens and a promise made to come back soon.

The first book had been quickly filled with people and places that he didn’t want to forget. There were pages and pages full of his mother’s soft smile and king eyes and the apartment where he had grown up. Drawings of his neighbors, like the Baxters who ran a bakery down the road and always made sure to drop off what they could to help his mother out. Bucky was littered on the pages as a devilish little kid, smirking out at him, and then older, still smirking but with two dames on his arms.

The war was there too. Not the battles, living through them once was enough, but the people he had met along the way to becoming Captain America. He’d drawn Dr. Erskine and Howard, Colonel Phillips and all of the Howling Commandos. He’d sketched Peggy. Peggy standing tall and strong among a sea of soldiers and Peggy standing just as tall and strong in the center of a dance hall. It hurt like a wound that was still attempting to scar over the first few times he’d finished a picture, it tugged at his heart to have everyone smiling out at him from the pages when he knew that that wasn’t how he’d left any of them.

He pushed through though. He pushed through the pain and drew snippets of his past until the future, his new life, began to sneak in.

Eventually he started a new book, full of Natasha throwing knives with deadly precision, Clint perched high with an arrow held taut, Thor raising his hammer, Bruce mid transformation, and Tony in his Iron man suit with the faceplate up as he grinned out over the wreckage left after their victory. He drew his new home and his new city and even the Baxters great-great grandchildren who ran a bakery down in Brooklyn. He caught as many moments as he could on paper; times when he had to pause and memorize what he was seeing like Bruce doing yoga in the middle of the living room or Thor talking on the phone with Jane, fierce fondness etched into his expression. Like the look Natasha got when she talked about her home in Russia or Clint baking cookies in the middle of the night, covered in flour. Moments like Tony crashing on the couch, Tony working in the lab with his goggles perched precariously on his forehead, Tony laughing at something Thor had said, Tony bleary eyed in the morning, Tony's eyes, hands, mouth- just, Tony.

He never picked up on it until the day he grabbed his sketchbook and a sandwich and made his way down to Tony's lab. He walked up to the doors, tapped in his access code, and waited for the doors to open for him. When they did, the music turned down considerably and Tony glanced back to shoot him a flash of teeth. He wiped his hands on his jeans and made grabbing motions at the plate Steve was holding. "Oh good, you brought me food. Give it here."

Steve rolled his eyes and handed it over, watched as he took a big bite out of it before turning and walking over to the couch Tony kept down there. He gave Dum-E and U pats as he passed them by and smiled when they both chirped at him in return. "Make sure you chew this time."

He heard Tony scoff, " _That was one time…_ " trailing off as he got distracted by readouts on the screen to his left.

Steve sat down and opened his book to a blank page. "It was twice."

Tony didn’t answer; too busy dissecting a hologram in front of his face with one hand, the other gripping the sandwich near his mouth.

Steve let out an amused breath and began to draw. He never really set out to draw anything in particular, instead he chose to just see what would take shape and go with it. He was able to get lost in it, the scrape of pencil over paper in the foreground and Tony talking to JARVIS in the background. He only glanced up when he heard the sound of Tony's welder turning on.

He stopped mid line, completely enchanted by the view before him. Tony's body moved precisely and gracefully as he almost danced around the hunk of metal in front of him. His hair was disheveled as it usually was when he had been down in his workspace for too long and his face was lit up by sparks of yellow, red, and orange that flew at him. Steve's eyes trailed down to linger over the way Tony's black tank top clung to his chest, contrasting with the way his oil stained jeans hung low and loose on his hips. He was a mess, no doubt about it, but he was also lovely and beautiful and, Steve thought, almost ethereal.

He wanted to touch him, just like he’d wanted to touch all the things he’d seen the first time he’d visited Tony’s lab. He looked at Tony and something in him screamed ‘new’ and ‘brilliant’ and he just needed to know how the other man would feel beneath his fingers. It surprised him how much he actually had to restrain himself from getting up and moving towards the other man.

Steve’s nose wrinkled as he forced his eyes back down to his drawing only to see Tony drawn, back turned to him with a smile thrown over his shoulder and a patch of skin at his back where his shirt was ridden up. “Oh.”

Steve’s eyebrows knit together and he turned the page quickly. His eyes widened at the images that greeted him on each page. “ _Oh_.”

Steve stood abruptly, the moleskin book slipping to the floor with a loud ' _fwop_ '. Tony's welder stopped and he turned to Steve "What are you-" He cut himself off and frowned, making a circling gesture around his face "What's with the look?"

He tried his best at a reassuring grin but, judging by the way Tony's frown just deepened, Steve had failed miserably. He picked up his book and let his face fall to what he hoped was a more neutral expression. "I'm fine. I just remembered that I have to go do a…thing." Before Tony could ask, Steve made a beeline for the door. "I'll see you later."

He didn’t stop until he was back in his own room with the door locked, sitting cross legged on his bed.

JARVIS's voice chimed in around him. "Captain Rogers, Sir has requested that I ask after your wellbeing."

Steve managed an, albeit slightly hitched, chuckle. "Is that how he phrased it, JARVIS?"

JARVIS sounded positively exasperated. "His exact words were, in fact, ‘ _find out what got up his ass for me._ ’"

Steve sighed and shook his head. "Like I thought. Please let him know that I'm fine."

"Will that be all, sir?"

Steve ran his hands over his book and felt the insistent swell of _something_ rising again. "Yes JARVIS, thank you."

There was no reply so Steve let all of his attention fall to the book, cracking it open to the first page. The further he got, the more the pages seemed to taunt him. The sheer amount of pictures he had of Tony left him dazed and completely confused.

Was he obsessed with Tony? It fit in a twisted turn of events. The amount of times he must have stared at the other man to capture his every expression, the number of times he must have just sat and drawn every detail of his body. It fit but it didn't feel right. He didn't feel like he was obsessed, like he had to be around him at all hours of the day and know what he was doing every second. That's how obsession usually worked, wasn’t it?

Sure, he liked being around Tony. He liked hanging out with him when he could, but that was because they were best friends. Tony made him happy and warm and when he was with him he felt like he could really belong in this new world. He was smart and funny and, his brain helpfully supplied, beautiful.

And it was true. Tony was a beautiful person. He knew that, and had always known that Tony was the sort of handsome fellow that mothers warned their daughters about. He had consistently tan skin and warm brown eyes that were veiled with thick, long lashes fanning above sharp cheekbones. He was smaller and shorter than Steve's own build, but he was also leanly muscled and carried himself in a way that made him seem as though he was towering over everyone.

So, yes, Steve knew he was attractive. He was attractive and maybe down in the lab he had wanted to touch him, to run his hands over his cheek, and just smile at the other man, but that didn't have to mean anything. It didn't mean anything that every single drawing of Tony left him both terrified and incredibly fond, two dueling sensations squeezing at his heart.

It just didn't matter.

Steve threw the book to the corner, where it left a nick in the wall, and fell back on the bed with a groan.

Damn.

Steve never figured out if it was a beginning or an ending. All he knew for sure was that he liked Tony a little more than he should and he had to stop it.

* * *

Steve felt restless and heavy hearted as he tried to come up with a way to stop his thoughts from going to Tony. It was just, ever since becoming aware; all he did was think about it. He'd opened his own personal Pandora's Box and was now trying to shove everything back into a place where it no longer seemed to fit.

That first day, he tried to ignore it completely. He'd trailed out of his room after laying in silence on his bed for a few hours and went to see what the others were up to.

He walked in on Clint and Thor playing what looked to be a violent video game both on and off screen and Natasha and Bruce cooking something that smelled like beef and spices. Tony was nowhere to be seen and Steve didn’t want to admit he was relieved.

Natasha caught his eye and pointed him towards the plates and told him to set the table which he did without argument.

It had been going well, he’d felt at ease, ready to chuck his reaction earlier to a fluke until Tony casually made his way into the room.

Steve’s instinct was to smile and maybe call Tony over, but he held back and tried instead to focus on the plates. Just because he wasn’t looking didn’t mean he couldn’t hear though. He heard Tony calling out his greetings and subsequently getting kicked out of the kitchen before joining Thor and Clint in front of the TV. He listened as Tony laughed and called out advice to the both of them that seemed to end in victory for Clint judging by his whoop of success.

 Then, then Tony was by him trying to help set the table and make conversation and all Steve could think about was that he had a sketchbook full of mini Tony’s hidden away in his bed side drawer because no matter how long he’d stood with the book poised over the trash can, he couldn’t bring himself to throw it out.

 

 

 

He’d excused himself early from dinner that night and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t convince himself that it wasn’t running away.

Steve stayed away after that with very little trouble.

During the days, whenever Tony showed up, he’d stuck around just long enough to come up with a legitimate excuse to leave and then turned tail and got out of there.

It was cowardly, sure, but it was what worked for him. When he wasn’t directly in Tony’s presence and as long as nobody mentioned him for too long, Steve found that he was able to go long periods of time without thinking of the other man.

Not until the night did the thoughts come insistently, alone in his room with the sketchbook perched on his lap as Steve tried to find some sort of answer he could accept hidden within the folds. There was nothing, nothing but Tony’s eyes taunting him from the pages.

 

 

 

Each night he thought about throwing the book out and each night he instead tucked it soundly back in his drawer with a promise that tomorrow he wouldn’t take it out and look.

* * *

 

As much as Steve tried not to, he slipped up eventually.

The team had been called to stop rampaging lizards from attacking the city as soon as the creatures had slithered their way up from the manhole covers. They were surprisingly fast things, with scales that were hard and sharp. It took longer than Steve thought it would but eventually the streets were declared secure and he was able to take a moment to catch his breath.

He jumped slightly when a cool, heavy hand fell on his shoulder, “looking a little shaky there Cap.”

Steve grinned at the ground before he turned to face Iron Man. His amusement fell away when he caught sight of the long fresh cut trailing right beneath Tony’s eye, bruise already forming along his cheek bone. Steve reached out and tipped Tony’s face so he could get a better look. “I don’t know how you can get injured when you’re encased in metal. How deep is the cut anyway?”

Tony let out a slight hiss when Steve tapped his cheek and rolled his eyes, but he didn’t pull away. "It’s fine. Those things pack a mean tail swing. You should know, you look like you got hit a few times."

Steve let his hand linger, index finger tracing the bruise idly. Steve only pulled away when his gaze fell to Tony’s tongue trailing over a small knick on his bottom lip. He shuffled back, hands on his hips before falling awkwardly to his side. He diverted his eyes to the SHIELD agents loading the lizards and jerkily nodded his head toward them. “I should go help them load up—Get that looked at.” Without another word, Steve walked away, steadily ignoring the eyes on his back.

He did what he said he was going to do, loading the lizards into the back of a large van swarmed with the agents. It hadn't taken much time before they were all accounted for and then he'd immediately caught a ride on shaky at best reasoning back to SHIELD headquarters.

Steve berated himself for his slip up all the way up until he got inside of the debriefing room. The others were already there, which gave Steve the opportunity to sit as far away from Tony as possible. Not that it made much of a difference when Tony kept trying to catch his eye every other moment.

Steve tried for a reassuring nod at Tony, but all it managed to do was make Tony stare at him as if he were a particularly challenging problem.

Steve gave up and turned his attention solely on the debrief and taking notes. It wasn’t odd behavior for him, and for that he was grateful. The others, beside Tony, hopefully wouldn’t read too much into it.

If they did—Steve didn’t know what he would even say. Was he supposed to tell them that recently his thoughts about Tony had become increasingly inappropriate? Or that he’d yet to go a night without pulling out his book that upon close and frequent inspection had proven to hold nothing but another Tony after Tony? That even once he’d concluded there were no answers to be found within the pages he still pulled the damned thing out and flipped through it?

Steve didn’t want to feel the way he did, let alone try to explain it.

If he did, if he accepted his thoughts for what he knew they were, and of course he knew, it would make him…not gay, but definitely not as straight as he had previously believed either.

Tony Stark was without a doubt a man and for as long as Steve could remember he didn’t like men like that.

Logically, he knew that it shouldn’t matter whether it was a man or woman that he found attractive. If there was anyone out there who knew that it was what was on the inside that counted, it was Steve. So, he knew all the logistics and he did truly believe that people should be allowed to love who they loved without persecution.  It was just, it always hit harder when it was happening to oneself.

When he was younger, there had been whispers about him. They all mostly stemmed from his slight frame and his love for everything and anything creative. He’d gotten into so many fights with boys twice his size over it and when he would go home at night with a black eye or a split lip, it had always comforted him to know that people like that knew nothing about him.

They were wrong when they thought he wouldn’t fight back, and they were wrong when they called him a ‘pansy’. To think that they’d been half right all along, to think that they’d seen something in Steve that he himself had been too blind to see, it drove him mad.

They shouldn’t be right; he didn’t want them to ever have the satisfaction of knowing who he was.

Steve felt his too tight grip on his pen and tried to ease up.

He liked women. He liked their soft curves and the suppleness of their breasts. He like their long flowing hair and the way their bodies contrasted with the sharp angles of his own.

Growing up, he’d had crushes on plenty of girls, even when they hadn’t necessarily liked him back. And during the war, he’d found Peggy and he’d loved her. He liked to think that if he hadn’t gone down in that plane he would have had the chance to have a life with her. He would have courted her and taken her dancing at the Stork club.

They would have celebrated the end of the war together and then they would have gotten married. He would have bought her a house on a hill side where they would have stayed and raised a family together. It was the life he would have wanted, the life he still wanted.

It was the life he wouldn’t get.

Steve had gone down in the plane, he’d gone down and he’d been frozen for years only to wake up in a time that was so foreign to him that it might as well have been a completely different place. He’d opened his eyes to a world where he was a war hero who fought villains with a group of extraordinary people which just so happened to include this man who was changing things Steve had been sure wouldn’t change.

Steve wanted to go back to a few weeks ago when none of this was happening. He’d even take going back to when it was happening but he was blissfully unaware of it. Back to a time when he could go down to Tony’s lab and drag him out to grab a bite to eat and laugh about pointless things. When he could sit and listen to Tony talk about anything and everything with a smile on his face and a shake of his head when Tony got ridiculous. He wanted to go to movie night and sit on the couch squished close to Tony and feel contentedness instead of the worry that Tony could somehow see all the ways Steve had been thinking about him. He wanted to argue over the remote and debate politics and fly down to battle at Tony’s side. He wanted it all back and it was a real fear that he wouldn’t get any of that ever again.

Steve wasn't sure how long he had zoned out but when he looked up again the room was silent, all eye's on him. He coughed once and smiled sheepishly "Uh, sorry. What's going on?"

He saw Fury's one good eye narrowing before repeating the question to him, a hint of disappointment in his voice. It wasn’t like Steve to zone out and not pay attention.

Steve answered the question being asked and tried focus.

 

 

 

He really wished he could go back. 

* * *

 

Steve spent the next week holed up in his quarters. He wasn’t sure how he’d actually managed to make it past even three days alone what with the people he lived with, but if he’d had to guess, he’d have to say they all must have been giving him space. Knowing that didn’t give him much relief, on the contrary, if they were giving him space it meant they knew something was wrong with him. Steve still had no idea how to explain it to them or even if he wanted to make an attempt at it.

All Steve knew for sure was that he was on borrowed time and that eventually he’d have to rejoin the land of the living. His solitude couldn’t last forever, and it didn’t.

On Saturday evening, as he was waiting for the elevator to pick him up from the floor that held the gym to take him discreetly back up to his own floor, he found himself caught from behind and lifted bodily from the ground.

He thrashed for a moment until he realized who it was and narrowed his eyes. “Put me down Thor.”

Thor let out a hefty sigh and got in the elevator, “Nay, friend Steven. It is time for you to rejoin us and be merry again.”

Steve huffed and tried to think of a way to escape Thor’s hold. Nothing came to mind that wouldn’t unnecessarily hurt Thor so he stayed put. “I’m fine Thor. Really. Just let me—“ Steve lost his place when the elevator let out a ding and Thor began to walk again. It was a moment later that Steve found himself dumped bodily into his chair with an ‘ _oomphf_ ’.

Steve righted himself in his chair, and shook his head. He caught Natasha smirking at him, “So glad you could make it Steve.”

Steve twisted his lips, “wouldn’t want to miss…” he trailed off as he looked over the giant serving platters at the center of the table, “nacho night.”

“Did somebody say nachos” Please tell me somebody said nachos. I haven’t eaten anything but what Dum-E brought me and I’m almost positive that it wasn’t actually supposed to be edible. Dum-E’s not a very good cook.”

 The corners of Steve’s mouth twitched up for a beat. He looked up and saw Tony walking in his direction, grin plastered over his face even as his eyes were knitted with concern. “Cap, no longer brooding in your room I see. That’s good, brooding will give you wrinkles right about,” he tapped Steve’s forehead, “here.”

Steve scowled and swatted his hand away. "I wasn’t brooding."

Tony took his seat to Steve's right. "Sure you weren't. Another true fact: Bruce doesn't actually get angry and turn into a big green rage monster."

Steve was saved from replying by Natasha's sharp voice "Tony." He was still amazed how threatening she could make a name sound; he wanted to ask her to teach him how to do that sometime.

Tony started to make his plate. "I was just saying: wrinkles. Those things are no joke."

Clint snorted. "You would know, wouldn't you?"

Tony flicked him off and the table descended into controlled chaos. It was almost a relief. He felt lighter and less lonely and he felt that maybe he had gone about this the wrong way.

He cleared his throat and the others fell silent. "I'm sorry for my behavior lately. I've been trying to.." his eyes shot to Tony for a very brief and distracted moment, "...figure certain things out for myself and I just needed…" he trailed off, hoping they understood.

Judging by the smiles he received, he thought they just might have got it. They all went through times when they needed to be alone and they knew when to come and get him and when to ask questions.

Luckily for him, they all must have been able to see that that was all he was willing to give up for now.

Unluckily for him, or luckily if he listened to the part of himself that wanted it, Tony was all about physical reassurance. He clapped his hand onto the back of Steve's neck and squeezed lightly. "I think I speak for all of us when I say that we get it, alone time: good. Just remember next time that you have an entire house full of people who you can talk to. You know, instead of brooding." He grinned goofily at Steve and Steve couldn't help the way his eyes fell half lidded and his lips pulled up at the corners.

"Tony." Fell like a whisper in the dark. Way too soft. Steve needed to reel it in. Tony needed to stop rubbing his thumb over his collar bone.

He was saved again, this time by Clint who threw a chip at Tony that managed to hit him right on the nose. "This is about as touching as a hallmark card, but can we move on? My blood sugar is probably through the roof just from watching you two."

Tony moved his hand away and smirked across the table. "Don't be jealous Barton. I'm sure Nat will have Hallmark moments with you if you just ask."

Natasha didn't even look up from where she was piling meat on top of a chip. "Don't count on it."

"Wounded! You've wounded me Nat."

"It wouldn’t be the first time."

Tony winked at Clint "Spicy. Are you turned on Clint? I'd be turned on if I didn’t know better.”

Clint made a 'not touching that one' gesture that made Tony laugh and Steve let himself bask in it while he could. He wasn't hurting anyone but himself after all.

When they all finished eating and cleaning up, they headed over to the couches to sit and watch TV. It was apparently Thor's choice that night as he immediately sat cross legged in front of the screen and called to JARVIS to queue up the latest episode of America's Next Top Model. Bruce urged him to back up. They weren't sure if an alien god could actually get bad vision but it wasn’t something they really wanted to test.

Steve sat down between the edge of the couch and Natasha. The sane half of him that was fighting to keep some control hoped that Tony would squeeze in next to Clint while the other half, the half that just wanted to give in, really hoped that Tony would plop down next to him.  Both parts were disappointed when Tony got an urgent call from Pepper reminding him of some sort of function he should have been at half an hour ago. Tony swore and rushed out of the room, Peppers irritated voice following him all the way out. Just because he couldn't figure out where exactly he wanted Tony to sit didn't mean he wanted him to leave.

He realized he was staring at the entrance way where Tony had just disappeared when he was startled by Thor's outraged call of, "What is this? Such trickery from such a fair maiden! It is reminiscent of Loki!"

He turned back to the TV just as Bruce chuckled and pointed at the screen "Yeah, that one even looks like a female version of him."

Thor didn’t move his eyes away from the screen. "Loki as a woman had looked nothing like Lady Danielle. He had much fairer skin."

The room fell silent, only broken by Clint's incredulous voice. "Loki was a woman?”

Steve let himself relax and get absorbed in the conversation that erupted. He missed being out there with everyone. For the rest of the evening he stayed chatting until the others started to drift off to their room to sleep and he decided to do the same.

Steve still had no clue what he was supposed to do with the way he felt but he did know that he didn’t want to avoid his team any longer, a team that just so happened to include Tony. He’d have to figure out a way to keep himself from slipping up but he was done hiding in his room. He would hang out with the others and he would stop running away every time Tony showed up. He wouldn’t actively search for the brunet and he wouldn’t get him lunch or sit in his lab or go out for walks through the park anymore. What he would do is take what time he could get and learn to stay in control.

He’d figure out exactly what it is he wanted and he’d cross that bridge when he came to it.

 

 

 

With a newfound resolve, Steve closed his eyes and tried to ignore the echo of a laugh that he could still hear in his head.

* * *

 

Something Steve should have factored into his plan was the fact that Tony Stark made it very hard to stay away. Every day he told himself that he was going to remain impartial and every day Tony drew him in with a quirk of his lips and a spark in his eyes. He was stupidly charming without even trying and Steve felt as lost as he had in the beginning.

He stuck to his original plan as much as possible, not actively going out to find Tony. It just seemed that wherever he went lately, Tony ended up.

He’d managed three weeks without incident due mainly to Tony being away for business in Japan. The tower was a lot quieter without Tony there and Steve found that he missed the other man despite everything going on.

He thought about calling a couple times, just to hear his voice and each time he managed to convince himself that it was a bad idea. He didn’t call when one of the new recruits he was working with did something extraordinarily absurd, like managing to tase them self and everyone around them on accident, and he didn’t call when he couldn’t figure out something technical on his tablet. He didn’t even call when he woke up from a nightmare filled with water and ice and the one thing he wanted as much as he’d wanted to just _breathe_ in his nightmare, was to hear Tony murmuring softly in his ear.

Instead Steve threw himself into any work SHIELD could come up with in an effort to push thoughts of Tony to the back of his head.

It was a forced detox of sorts and he almost managed to convince himself that it was working; all the way up until the day Tony came home.

Steve was in the kitchen making himself breakfast after his morning run. The tower was empty with Clint and Natasha called away a few days previous by SHIELD for some operation that fell under the label of ‘classified’, Thor likewise occupied doing whatever it was he did when he went home to Asgard, and Bruce having taken the weekend off for a personal retreat that Steve guessed might have actually been a visit to a woman named Betty judging by the phone conversation he had accidentally overheard.

Point was, Steve was supposed to be alone that weekend. It made him all the more surprised when he saw Tony sluggishly making his way into the kitchen.

Tony walked right past Steve to the coffee pot where he managed to pour himself a cup, immediately bringing it to his mouth to drink.

Steve stood waiting for Tony to notice him, which inevitably left him with time to take in Tony’s full appearance. He was dressed haphazardly in a gray suit with a purple tie that hung loose around his neck. Steve couldn’t really tell if he was coming in or heading out, ultimately deciding that it was anyone’s guess when it came to the genius.

Steve leaned back against the counter and continued to wait. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to decide if he should just give in and get the others mans attention or just give it time until Tony was functioning enough to notice on his own.

Tony refilled his empty cup and turned to Steve, lazy smile already spreading across his face.

Steve’s heart felt as though it jumped to his throat and of course. Of course it hadn’t worked. Three weeks was no time at all. 

"Cap, I feel like I haven't seen you in weeks."

Steve turned back to the pot of oatmeal and gave it a much needed stir, mentally trying to gather the walls he had been building around him. It felt like a lost cause with Tony standing there, smiling at him the way he was. “Well, you haven’t.”

Tony just ' _hmm'd_ ' and sipped more of his coffee, walking slowly over to stand next to Steve and nodding at his breakfast. "What is that?"

Steve furrowed his brows and gave Tony a bewildered look, speaking slowly. "It's oatmeal." Tony was a genius, he should know that.

Tony's nose wrinkled. "Oh."

"It's healthy."

"Yeah, sure. But it also probably tastes like mashed slop."

Steve huffed out a laugh "Tony. Tony, you drink grass. I've seen you drink grass more than once. I guarantee you that this," he gestured at his oatmeal, "tastes better than grass."

Tony rolled his eyes "That's for Dum-E. He tries, he does, and I can't let him see me spit out his drink every time. Think of it as team morale."

Steve felt suddenly warm all over and had to make a surprisingly conscious effort not to coo like he’d heard some dames do over a soldier talking about their children back home. It was adorable; the way Tony treated his creations. Adorable and maybe sometimes creepy in the almost obsession he had, but that was Tony. He cared about his tech, his family. It was there in the sleek curves of the Iron Man armors and in the way he spoke to JARVIS, Dum-E, Butterfingers and U. It was there in the way he got personally offended if someone said anything negative to or about one of them. You could tell right away, just by hearing Tony when he talked about them. Tony had given them life and it still amazed Steve. "I'm sure he appreciates it."

"Hmph, he better. Those things give me terrible gas." Like that the moment was over.

Steve laughed loudly and turned off the stove. He filled the bowl he had intended for himself and then thrust it at Tony. "Here, try this. I promise it won’t give you gas."

Tony stared at it with a frown before pushing it back to Steve. "Thanks, but no thanks."

Steve nudged it back and widened his eyes innocently. "For team morale?"

Tony narrowed his eyes and grabbed the bowl, using the spoon to gesture at his own face "Stop with the whole face thing. You only get to use it four more times this month otherwise it won't be fair to the rest of us who can’t look like puppy dogs." Steve shook his head and watched as he slowly took a bite, eyes fluttering shut. "Hmm, S'good Cap." He swallowed and grinned toothily up at Steve. "Next time I'll just take your word."

Steve grinned back and let the walls crumble around him for now. He'd get around to fixing them later. "I'm glad you like it. Go sit and eat."

 

 

 

That morning Steve decided to allow himself to actually sit and enjoy spending time with Tony, like he always had before. Tomorrow, he promised himself, tomorrow he would try again.

* * *

 

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, Tomorrow. They came and went and every day Steve told himself that he would stay away tomorrow because today was just no good.

Today he needed to ask Tony a really important question and then maybe spend a little bit of time just talking.

Today Tony needed to be pulled away from his lab so that he could eat because Steve found out that the entire time he had been trying to keep his distance, Tony had been lacking in nutrition and that was just no good for a member of his team.

Today, he needed to watch this or that movie with him and today he couldn’t ignore Tony because Tony had given him this lopsided smile and Steve just didn’t want to leave when he was being smiled at like that.

It was a losing battle filled with tomorrow after tomorrow after tomorrow. Tomorrow he wouldn't think about Tony, and Tomorrow Tony wouldn’t leave Steve helplessly trailing after him.

It came to a point where Steve had to finally admit that tomorrow just wasn't going to come.


	2. Chapter 2

Steve had three golden rules that he tried to follow all times since accepting that his thing for Tony wasn’t just going to go away because he wanted it to.

**Rule number one: Keep all touching to an absolute minimum.**

That meant no pats on the back, no arms thrown casually over the shoulder, and for the love of America, no lingering. Steve never realized just how much physical contact he and Tony shared until he had to forcibly stop himself from reaching out towards the other man. It was far more challenging of a task than one might think and Steve could admit that he had failed to enforce the rule on several separate occasions.

**Rule number two: Always keep it friendly**

Steve was happy to say that it was almost as if their friendship had finally reverted back to its former glory. He was still attracted to Tony, he was able to accept that fact despite his initial hang-ups, and he still thought about him at the most inopportune times, that didn’t seem likely to stop, but things like that were now just added on to the friendship they had already forged. Admittedly there were awkward moments where Steve had to catch himself; like the times where he caught himself staring at the way Tony’s lips were moving and had to jerk his eyes up and actually take in the words he was saying before Tony noticed.

Tony never seemed to notice though and Steve managed well enough.

He was adapting, something he seemed to have to do non-stop since he woke up from the ice

**Rule number three: Never, under any circumstance, let Tony become aware of what he felt or thought.**

It was the most important rule of them all because sometimes he struggled with one and two. Sometimes Steve threw his arm over Tony’s shoulder on instinct while watching a movie and Tony would lean his head down on Steve’s chest and there was no way he could bring himself to shake him off and scoot away. Instead he just sat there, placed his arm more firmly around Tony and enjoyed the moment.

Other times Steve just didn’t feel very friendly at all; like the time Clint made Tony spill his coffee all over his shirt. Tony had swore and the next thing Steve knew Tony’s shirt was held clumped in his hand and all Steve could see was lean tanned muscle. It wasn’t the first time he had seen Tony shirtless, but it was the first time he had seen Tony shirtless and the only thing he could think about doing was reaching out and tracing the lines from Tony’s pectorals down to the dips on his hips. Steve tried to stifle the thoughts in his head but it was useless. He ended up making an excuse a few minutes later and raced to his room to change and then the gym to work out all the sudden tension in a way that wasn’t touching himself. Steve was pretty sure that masturbating to images of your friend couldn’t be considered friendly in any way shape or form.

Rule three was the only rule he could truly count on himself to follow completely. It was rule three that taught him to keep a better poker face and rule three that got him through most days. Tony would remain oblivious and Steve was alright with that.

* * *

 

Steve was awoken by a crash of lighting followed closely by the loud rumbling of thunder. He shot up out of bed, completely alert until he realized what it was.

He relaxed back into his bed, looking out the glass that made up one of his walls. The sky was dark, covered in troubling looking storm clouds, and the rain hit the window in every which way, following the quick changing wind in whatever direction it chose. Lighting split the clouds with jagged lines, momentarily lighting up the sky. Steve thought it looked eerily beautiful.

He turned in his bed until he was on his back, staring up at the ceiling. “JARVIS?”

There was a static crackle-pop before JARVIS’s voice filled all the empty spaces in his room “Good morning Captain. How may I be of service to you?”

Steve closed his eyes “so it is morning?”

“I’m afraid so Captain. It is precisely 7:35 a.m.”

“can you tell me what the weather forecast is for the day?”

JARVIS paused for only a moment “ Thunderstorms until noon with a 70% chance of continued showers throughout the evening”

Steve sighed and opened his eyes “Thank you JARVIS”

“My pleasure sir”

He didn’t immediately get out of bed. Instead he stayed lying down and listened to the soothing sounds of the storm. He might have stayed lying there all day if it weren’t for the insistent rumbling coming not from outside, but from his stomach.

Steve placed his hand over his stomach and gave it a sympathetic pat. “Okay” It was time to start his day apparently.

As Steve made his way down to the kitchen, he couldn’t help but feel like it was the middle of the night. The hallways were still dark, the lights set low, just enough so that you wouldn’t accidentally bump into a wall as you stumbled sleepily to your bed. At least, that’s what he guessed Tony’s reasoning for the lighting situation was.

He was nearly there when he caught sight of something from the corner of his eye. He stopped in the dining room and stared.

There was a lady sitting at their table, a lady he had never seen before. She was dressed in a short, black, rumpled dress, her long brown hair tied messily up on the top of her head. She didn’t appear to notice him standing there, oblivious to anything that wasn’t the tablet in front of her or the mug in her hand. She had to be someone’s guest.

Steve frowned, continued on his way into the kitchen. When he was behind the counter he gave her another considering look. He cleared his throat quietly and smiled at her when she turned startled eyes on him “Good morning”

The woman shook her head, took a breath and smiled “Good morning—You’re Steve right? Captain America.”

Steve nodded “nice to meet you.” He paused, furrowed his brow as he took out the things he would need to make waffles “and you’re…?”

She took a sip of her coffee “Nicole, Nicole Caraway.” Her lips quirked, eyes sparking suddenly “I’m here with Tony; he had to take a call in the other room”

Steve’s stomach lurched, the hand on the spoon he was using to mix tightened. He said in a strained voice “right. I’m sure he’ll be out any minute.” It was rude, he knew that he had effectively dismissed her but he also knew that there was no way he could make pleasant conversation when everything in him was suddenly hissing and whirling.

Steve felt Nicole’s eyes on him, very possibly confused by his behavior. He stared down at the batter in favor of looking up to meet her eye.

When he had the batter poured into the waffle iron, he let his hands fall to his sides and stood there staring down at the counter. His hands curled into themselves, nails biting his palms. He needed to calm down. Tony was allowed to bring home whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted. Steve shouldn’t care.

He did though. He cared way too much.

Tony didn’t do it all that often, bring people home with him for the night, definitely not as much as Steve had been led to believe he had in the past. When Steve first met Tony, he had been in a committed, loving relationship with Pepper so the only woman around Tony had been Ms. Potts.

Steve liked Pepper. She was smart, competent, kind; she reminded him almost painfully of Peggy. It had been her who had shown him around the tower when he moved in, who had sat and ate lunch with him as they talked art. He liked her with Tony too. When she was around, Tony was always more considerate, more light hearted and at ease. Steve would watch them together sometimes, wistful for a time when he could have had what they so clearly had. He could see that Tony had loved her and that she had loved Tony too, very much.

It’s why he had been so confounded by their separation months later.

He never asked Tony why it was that they broke up, it hadn’t been his place and he didn’t like the way Tony stiffened whenever Pepper’s name was mentioned.

Steve did eventually find out though. He was informed by Natasha that it had been a long time in the making. There was something about Pepper wanting Tony Stark, not Iron man which Steve didn’t understand. Tony was Iron man, there was no separation between the two.

He told Natasha as much and only got a nod in return.

The weeks after the breakup, Tony had been reclusive. He kept to himself, his lab, and nobody saw much of him unless there was an emergency. It had got to the point where even Steve was beginning to wonder if he should try his luck and find Tony. He was a few days away from doing just that when Tony had shown back up, completely himself.

It had been an unspoken agreement between the rest of the team to act like nothing had happened and more importantly not to mention Peppers name in fear that Tony would fall back into the shadows again.

It almost seemed as if everything was back to normal – then the girls started showing up.

It wasn’t all the time. Most nights that Tony left for this or that event, he would return home alone, just on the other side of inebriated. Then there were the nights where he came stumbling in, a pretty little dame attached to his side.

Before they were friends, it never bothered Steve beyond his slight annoyance over the possible security issues that could arise from having random people trooping in and out.

After they were friends, it still never bothered him much beyond the fact that Steve didn’t like the risk Tony put himself in. He worried sometimes, that Tony wasn’t settling for anyone, that he was just picking out a one or two night fling. He wanted him to be happy, like he was with Pepper, and Steve just couldn’t see Tony ever being happy with any of the girls he brought home. He never thought that those girls were ever going to make him smile the way he should smile, bright and soft and so full of promises.

They just weren’t right for him, and even when he wanted Tony to find someone special, he was relieved that he hadn’t settled for any of the girls Steve had seen him with.

Then, he had been worried, now he just felt angry.

Steve knew what it was; he could recognize the jealousy clawing at his insides. He didn’t want those women hanging off of Tony, he didn’t want Tony to settle down with any of them. Steve hadn’t even got the chance to – he wanted to be the one who Tony wrapped his arms around, the one who he stumbled down the hall with late at night. Not just one night, he wanted, Steve wanted – Rule number three: Tony would never know.

Steve dug his nails into his palms harder. He wanted too much, he wanted what he shouldn’t.

The waffle iron buzzed loudly. Steve shook his head to clear it and focused just on getting his breakfast done. He filled the tray with more batter and closed it just as he heard a shuffling noise from the dining room. He looked up in time to see Tony pull Nicole close to his chest and whisper in her ear. She giggled, hands skimming up and down Tony’s sides under his shirt. His nails dug in again.

When Tony caught his eye over Nicole’s shoulder Steve forcibly threw up the best smile he could manage and hoped that Tony didn’t notice any of the turmoil going on in his head.

Tony just smiled back, mouthed ‘good morning’ to him, and then compelled Nicole to follow him out of the room with his eyes alone.

The storm raged on both outside the walls of the tower and inside Steve chest.

* * *

 

Steve was exhausted. His bones ached, his eyes burned with the strain to keep them open, and he was sure that he looked as bad as he felt. He didn’t think he had ever been happier to return from a recon mission as he was in that moment. Well, it had started as a simple recon, just him and Natasha, up until somewhere around the third day when they lost all communication with SHIELD. Then it had turned into more of a ‘run for your life in the non-stop rain and try not to get shot’ mission.

Natasha was in the med bay with a shoulder wound she had received on day five of the mission and Steve almost wished his wounds hadn’t healed so fast so he could be in the med bay too on one of those not-so-comfy-but-adequate beds. No, instead he was told to wait in one of the many conference rooms for debrief, keeping his head up only from the support of his hand.

Steve tapped his fingers on the table to keep himself awake. He wasn’t allowed to leave but all he could think about was calling a cab to take him back home so that he could shuffle his way to his room and fall face first onto his actually comfortable bed. He’d sleep for hours to make up for all the sleep he hadn’t gotten during the past week.

His eyelids fluttered shut just thinking about it and his head kept falling back and forth, completely out of his control.

Steve knew he was fighting a losing battle with exhaustion, if the debrief didn’t start within the next few minutes he would be drooling on the conference table.

“Ah, there you are”

His hand fell flat to the table with a resounding smack, his head jerked forward. Steve caught himself just before his face hit the table top. He blinked his eyes rapidly, sat up straight and met amused brown eyes.

“Whoa, Cap, you look like hell”

Steve tried to roll his eyes but ended up yawning half way through. “Thanks”

Tony stepped further into the room “Anytime.” He gave Steve an analytical look, lip pulled between his teeth. That wasn’t good, that meant he was thinking. Three out of four times that look was dangerous. He had that look the time before he jumped off the roof to test how fast his suit could catch him and he had that look when he challenged Thor to a drinking contest that resulted in what he deemed ‘the third worst hangover of his life’.

Steve felt a bone deep weariness, added onto the bone deep exhaustion he already felt. He sighed. “Is there something you wanted Tony?”

Tony released his lip and took a seat at Steve’s right hand side. Steve opened his mouth to repeat himself but Tony made a silencing motion with his hand. Steve grimaced and kept quiet as Tony took out his phone and made a call.

“Happy! Yeah—yeah, look I’m going to need you here asap with—“ He paused, turned to Steve “hamburgers or pizza?” Steve’s brow furrowed and Tony nodded his head “You’re right, you look like you could eat both. Happy, bring hamburgers and pizza, make it quick. 20 minutes or less, pay extra if you have to.” He hung up. “Happy’s bringing you food.”

“I gathered as much, you didn’t have to—“

Tony rolled his eyes “don’t. After the week you’ve had I doubt you’ve slept, let alone eaten anything decent.”

Steve ran a hand over his face “You’re not wrong about that.”

“Of course I’m not wrong. I told Fury to send me with you guys; it was a tech facility for fucks sake. I told him as much when communication went down.” Tony smirked “the only reason he didn’t throw me out was because we both knew his best bet at finding you two was me. You should have seen the look on his face.”

Steve chuckled “You got Fury to say he needed you?”

“I think his exact words were ‘shut the hell up and get to work’.”

“So it was you who found us then?”

Tony nodded, started to tap his fingers on the table “It was touch and go. The signal you were broadcasting was being blocked from all sides and when I finally did break through, their firewalls kept trying to push me back. If their technicians weren’t working for a criminal organization I’d consider hiring them for Stark Industries. The code work was fantastic. I’d love to figure out why they decided to use the sequencing that they did…” Tony trailed off and pulled out his phone “really, I was impressed. It wasn’t enough to keep me out of course, but they sure did put up one hell of a fight. There was this one line of – oh, huh. I wonder if…” he started to scan the numbers on his screen “Jarvis, pull up that – yeah the one that I was – yeah that one. Thanks”

Steve shook his head in fond exasperation and watched Tony work on his phone. When a few minutes had passed he placed his hand on Tony’s arm to regain his attention. “Thank you for finding us. I don’t think Natasha was doing too well there towards the end.”

Tony looked down at his phone, back to Steve, then at his phone again. “Yeah, I stopped in to see her. Clint’s going to stay and keep her company.”

“Good, how was she?”

Tony shrugged “As well as can be expected.” He kept working on his phone, eyes narrowing as the minutes ticked by. Tony paused and turned his narrowed eyes to Steve “You’re fine, right? You did go to medical when you got back didn’t you? You’re not actually internally bleeding as we speak right?”

Steve huffed “I’m fine Tony. I went to medical right away. They said I was good, no internal bleeding, no broken bones, and no open wounds. I’m fine”

“Good, great. Okay. Good.” He tapped his foot and checked his watch “Happy should be here by now, I’m just going to-“ he gestured at his phone.

Steve held back the grin that wanted to break free. Tony was worried about him, he could tell that much just from the way he was squirming in his chair. It made something warm bubble up in him. Steve shut his eyes to reel the feeling back in and started to scoot his chair further away just to be safe.

Tony stood abruptly. He crossed the room, getting to the door just as it opened. “Finally, what took so long?”

Happy walked into the room “Sorry boss, you know how traffic is.”He waved at Steve “Captain, glad to see you made it back safe. Boss was bouncing off the walls, he—“ Tony made a slicing motion with his hand and the bubbling feeling came back full force. Happy just grinned and set the food down on the table “Glad to see you’re back” he turned to face Tony “Will that be all?”

Tony shook his head “You know, if you didn’t just say that I might have built you a flying car, I was going to build you a flying car. These street drivers are too slow for you. You blew it though.” He held up a hand “For a completely unrelated topic, what’s your favorite color?”

Happy smiled “It’s orange”

Tony’s nose wrinkled “we’ll think of something.” He walked back towards Steve “Take the rest of the day off Happy, I have the suit. I’ll fly home.”

Happy waved. “See you later boss, Captain.”

Steve said “Thank you! Bye” at the same time as Tony’s “Later Hap”

Tony sat back down and pulled the box of pizza towards him “For the record, I wasn’t bouncing off the walls. Happy is delusional.” He passed two wrapped burgers to Steve.

Steve took the burgers, his mouth watered from the smell alone. He unwrapped the burger as quickly as possible and took a huge bite. He said “sure Tony” though it came out sort of jumbled due to the food stuffed in his mouth.

Tony gave Steve a distressed look “Your manners are sometimes really appalling. If only the rest of the world knew that Captain America talked with his mouth full.”

Steve scoffed, took another bite “At least I don’t lick everything before putting it in my mouth” Steve didn’t actually have a problem with that, he often found himself distracted by the way Tony’s tongue would flick out right before it met the food.

“I don’t lick it Steve. I simply guide the food into my mouth. It’s a guide.”

“It doesn’t need a guide Tony. You just put it in, there is no middle step.”

Tony smirked “I know a few women who would disagree with you there.”

Steve nudged his elbow into Tony’s arm “we’re talking about food here. Food doesn’t need foreplay”

Tony laughed and took a bite of pizza. He made a show out of licking the slice before putting it in his mouth. “Everything deserves to be seduced Cap.”

“I’m sure you’ve seduced enough for the both of us.” He wasn’t bitter, that wasn’t supposed to sound bitter. They were talking about food for goodness sakes.

Luckily Tony didn’t seem to catch on to the tone that had snuck out of Steve. He just got a faraway amused look and replied “You aren’t wrong there Cap.”

Steve made sure to keep the conversation as light as possible after his slip up. Tony was half way into describing his work with R&D when Coulson, Fury, Agent Hill, and two other agents Steve didn’t know came trailing in. They all paused for a moment, taking in the scene before moving to take seats. Fury stood at the head of the table.

Steve sat up straighter and set down his second slice of pizza. He nodded in greeting, giving Fury a quick “Sir”. He looked down at the remaining food and back up “Uh, there’s food if anyone wants some?”

Tony held up his hand “They can get their own food. This is for you Steve, you need the calories.”

Steve scowled “Tony, don’t be rude. There’s more than enough.”

“Don’t be such a good citizen. None of them have been stuck without good food for a week. They’re fine”

“If they want some they can have—“

“They don’t want any”

Steve crossed his arms “Tony”

Tony gave an exaggerated shrug and shook his head “Fine Steve. They can have some if they want. Not Fury though, never Fury.”

Fury pointedly took a slice of pizza, ignoring Tony’s affronted ‘hey!’. He took a bite, eye narrowed at Tony. “Now that that’s decided, what do you say we get this party started? Stark, you can leave at any time.”

Tony crossed his arms “I think I’ll stay. Coulson’s been saying I need to turn up to more of these things.”

Coulson looked exasperated “now he listens.”

Tony motioned at Fury “Anytime now, some super soldiers have been waiting on you for long enough.” He poked Steve’s arm “keep eating”

Steve shook his head and took a bite, if only to get Tony to stop poking his arm.

                                                                                                                                          ~.~

The debrief wasn’t actually long, though it was probably made shorter by the snide comments Tony kept letting slip out every so often. Steve could tell Fury’s patience with Tony was running low whenever his words would come out faster than usual, speeding the meeting along.

At the end, Tony shot up out of his chair, gave one final clap and started tugging Steve up. “I’m happy that I’ve managed to miss as many of these as I have. That was dreadful. Let’s not do this again, I won’t call you, you don’t call me.”

Steve stood up “Tony”

Tony sniffed and gave him a look of pure annoyance “yeah yeah, don’t say it. Let me fly you home, you can stare disappointedly at me after you’ve gotten a good 12 hours of sleep under your belt.”

Steve’s lip twitched at the corner. He looked back up at everyone else “If that’s all here, I think I’ll be heading out.” He received a chorus of quiet goodbyes as he turned to walk out, Tony trailing behind him. Steve was almost to the door when he was stopped by a small hand on his arm. He looked down at the blonde agent. “Yes? Agent...13?”

The women let go of his arm and smiled “I know you’re leaving but-“ She thrust out her hand. “ I’m Agent Sharon Carter. You knew my aunt.”

Everything in Steve stopped, his stomach dropping “Oh. Uh, yeah. You’re-“ He coughed “You’re Peggy’s niece?”

She nodded and he saw it then. The slight family resemblance. His mind flashed with images of red lips smiling at him, the sound of a cracked voice from the radio of the plane. He shook his head, trying to get his voice to work. “Yeah, that’s…Peggy was, she was amazing. I don’t-“

Sharon looked down briefly, then up again. There was determination written all over her face, just like Peggy’s had sometimes looked and it was inevitable that he would start comparing her to Peggy. “Look, I know you want to leave and get some rest, I respect that, but do you want to get a coffee and talk sometime?”

Steve nodded “Yeah, sure, just” He looked back at Tony who was standing half out of the door, looking pointedly not in his direction. “Can I see your phone?” She handed it over and Steve put his number in before handing it back “Just give me a call.”

She pocketed her phone “I will.” She turned and went back to stand near Maria’s side.

Steve took a deep breath and started walking again “come on Tony”

Tony walked silently next to him and for that Steve was grateful. He needed to think.

* * *

 

Sharon Carter was great. She was funny and smart and once Steve looked past the Peggy factor in it all they really clicked.

The first time they met up Steve had been nervous, unsure of what he should say to her. His worries we’re forgotten once they sat down and she began to talk.

They started off talking about Peggy. Sharon told him about how it was Peggy who inspired her to join SHIELD, one of the best decisions she had made in her entire life. She told him about the tales Peggy used to tell her as a kid and got Steve to tell some of his own.

Steve got comfortable; he started telling her everything he could about the Peggy he knew. He let her know about the Peggy who punched a man right in the face and the Peggy who helped him save his best friend. He told her about the women who was there for him at what he thought was the very end, the women he still missed.

She nodded, placed her hand over his and spoke quietly “me too”.

When things got too heavy they changed the subject to lighter topics like the Avengers and SHIELD. They talked about missions they’d been on and the people they met along the way. Before Steve noticed, it was dark out and when he’d gone home that night, it was with a smile firmly on his face.

They met again and again and it was nice. He really liked Sharon, he enjoyed having a friend outside of the tower.

The weeks blurred by, full of dinners and movies, lunches, coffees, museums and walks through the park. When Steve took the time to look back on it, he felt incredibly thick that he hadn’t noticed that what they were doing was considered dating. Or at least that must have been what it looked like on the outside, and almost definitely what it looked like to Sharon.

When she kissed him, Steve tensed all over.

The others had teased him about it, about Sharon being his girlfriend but he never actually considered it as anything more than friendly ribbing.

She was beautiful, yes, and maybe they would be good together but there was still Tony.

There was Tony thrumming through veins, trapped behind his ribcage, squeezing the breath from him on daily. Thinking about and subsequently trying not to think about Tony was—well it was time consuming.

There were other times too, when he was with Sharon and he’d go hours without thinking about him because he was focused on her. They had fun together, he liked being with her, and maybe that was all it really took. Maybe it wasn’t always the consuming rush of feeling that was Tony Stark, but instead the slow tide that was Sharon Carter that he needed all along to be able to put everything behind him.

If he gave in, if he gave it a chance, then eventually there may not be any lingering feelings for Tony at all.

Sharon pulled back and looked up at him, “Steve?”

Steve set his resolve, cupped her face in his hands and kissed her back.


	3. Chapter 3

Steve did believe that he could make it work with Sharon, he truly did. Months flew by and Steve was in that place right between loving someone and being in love with them. He enjoyed being with Sharon, he liked the way she made him feel, and most importantly, he was happy.

It was all a mirage, a mirror into a false reality he had been deluding himself into believes was real. The thing about mirrors though, was that they were extremely fragile. All it took was one stone cast and the entire surface crumbled, the perfect image ruined and no matter how much you tried to piece them back together you could always see the cracks. 

That stone came when Steve got too comfortable. When he let himself believe he was in the clear.

Most times, Steve made sure he and Sharon kept their distance from the tower. They spent time going out, and if ever they were inclined to spend the night together, it was always at Sharon’s apartment. But Sharon had been bringing up the tower more and more often and Steve finally let his constant, and slightly exhausting, guard down enough to invite her over for impromptu movie night.

Everything went fine in the beginning, just him, Sharon, Natasha, Clint, Bruce and Thor sitting around in the living room arguing over which movie to watch.

They had managed to narrow it down to Inception, backed by Clint and Sharon, and Sherlock Holmes, backed by Thor and Natasha. Bruce maintained that it was best if he didn’t participate in the voting process, instead acting as mediator when one side got too excited, and everyone agreed that that was probably for the best.

The vote came down to Steve, who had no preference for either movie over the other. He caught Natasha roll her eyes followed by Sharon’s pleased smile and covert high five with Clint. They thought he would side with Sharon, and why wouldn’t he?

Steve watched Sharon interacting with his team fondly, and he wondered why he had been so against bringing her to the tower in the first place.

He opened his mouth to give his vote just as he registered movement from the corner of his eye. Tony shuffled into the room, still scrubbing residual oil from his temple.

Steve closed his mouth and watched silently as Tony made his way to the couch. He squeezed his way in between Steve and Natasha and patted both of their thighs once in greeting. “Hey, so, what are we watching?”

Steve’s mind scrambled. Tony wasn’t supposed to be there. He blurted, “I thought you were in Malibu.”

Tony shook his head, “came home early. I heard Sharon was going to be here, didn’t want to miss that.” Tony looked around Steve to catch Sharon’s eye, “How are you? Is Steve treating you well?” He gave her a charming smile that surprisingly seemed to have no effect on her what so ever.

Sharon moved her hand to Steve’s and squeezed the warmth on her face marginally less than it previously had been. “We’re good.”

If Tony noticed, he didn’t let on. He nudged Steve’s side with his elbow and grinned, “Well, it is Steve.”

Sharon’s grip got tighter and Steve didn’t know which question he wanted answered more, why Sharon was behaving so oddly or what Tony meant when he said ‘well it is Steve’.

Ultimately Steve chose to turn his attention to Sharon and give her a reassuring smile, though he wasn’t sure what exactly he was reassuring her about. Whatever it was, her shoulders relaxed when he met her eyes, “yes it is. Steve, the movie?”

Tony asked again, “what movie are we watching exactly? Please, not Tangled again. I know, her hair is like Thor’s, all long and beautiful and magic” he leaned forward to lightly pull a strand of Thor’s hair, causing Thor to smile toothily up at him, “but enough is enough. There are only so many times I can watch Eugene chop of Repunzal’s hair to show his love. I think we get it, he loved her even as a brunette. Personally, I prefer blondes.” Before Steve knew it, Tony had reached up and ruffled Steve’s hair and winked at Sharon who promptly pursed her lips.

Steve felt his eyes droop as Tony’s nimble fingers ran over his scalp, making their way to the back of his neck where he squeezed once.

Natasha scoffed, “I don’t think you understand the point of him cutting off her hair. To answer your first question, we’re deciding between Sherlock and Inception.”

“I understand fine. I vote Sherlock.”

Bruce spoke up from his arm chair, “You don’t get a vote Tony. You were late for sign in. It’s Steve’s choice.”

Steve was suddenly sure that he didn’t want it to be his choice anymore.

Tony’s full attention was on him in an instant. He leaned in, hand resting on Steve’s knee, fingers pressed lightly into his inseam in the most distracting way. “Steve, very important decision you have coming up. I would just like you to remember that I’m your best friend, you know me. If I’m forced to watch two plus hours of tech and science I will have no choice but to nitpick. You don’t want that, I don’t want that. It’ll ruin the entire night, Natasha might maim me.”

Natasha tilted her head, not disagreeing.

“You see, there’s only one smart choice here.” His eyes widened innocently and his fingers pressed in firmly. Steve’s brain just—stopped.

He had a rule for this, of course he had—Steve couldn’t remember the rule—he couldn’t—fuck it.

It’s a miracle he managed to speak as calmly as he did “we can watch Sherlock”

Tony’s face broke out into a triumphant grin and he pulled his hand away to high five Natasha. Steve felt it then, lightness all over, happiness spreading out in all directions at the sight of Tony’s grin. It came to a screeching halt when Clint groaned and complained about unfair speeches and plays on friendships.

Tony laughed and called out to JARVIS to queue the movie.

Clint crossed his arms over his chest, “no, really. There needs to be a rule against favoritism.”

Natasha raised an eyebrow, “You didn’t have a problem with it before Tony got here.”

“Well, yeah. That’s because it was playing in my favor.”

Natasha threw popcorn at Clint’s head, “Sore loser.”

They continued bickering until the movie started, but even then Steve was lost in his own thoughts. What had he been thinking?

He glanced apologetically at Sharon who hadn’t said a word yet. She frowned briefly back at him before her features smoothed out. She shrugged, “We can watch it another time, just the two of us?”

Steve nodded and tried for a smile, something to prove that everything was okay. It wasn’t though, everything was not okay.

He turned his face to stare blankly at the screen.

It shouldn’t have bothered him so much, he knew that. It wasn’t that big of a deal, to side with Tony. It was just a movie, a stupid movie. He tried to convince himself, tried to see it that way, but he couldn’t because what it boiled down to essentially was that he had chosen Tony over Sharon.

He’d wanted to see Tony smile at him, for Tony to keep his hand on his knee. He’d just wanted to make Tony happy and he _shouldn’t_ have. At least not like that.

He should have wanted all of that with Sharon, and he did. Sort of.

It always amazed Steve how the smallest of things could turn a life upside down. Just like the day down in Tony’s lab all over again, except, maybe, so much bigger. That had been attraction then, and in that moment, when Tony had smiled at him, he’d felt—he felt something he’d only felt once before in his entire life.

 

Sharon leaned heavily into Steve’s side and Tony’s arm was thrown casually over the back of the couch. Steve closed his eyes and wished he was any other place in the world at that moment because right then, he felt like the shittiest person in the entire world.

 

                                                                                

* * *

 

Despite Tony’s insistence on watching the movie, he was out halfway through. He snored softly against Steve’s shoulder, hands crossed over his chest loosely.

It—didn’t help Steve clear his head any. Not with Sharon right there, resting her head against his other shoulder, fingers intertwined with his.

 He didn’t think he’d ever been more grateful for the end of a movie as he was that night. As everyone began to leave, Steve slowly extracted himself from under Tony and helped Sharon up. He walked her to her car and he knew she would stay if he just asked. He knew she wanted him to ask, that she’d prefer to stay the night. He couldn’t do that though and it made him feel all the worse when he sent her off alone back to her own place.

He opened her door for her, and accepted the kiss she gave him with a promise to call tomorrow. He made himself stand there heavy hearted, as her car disappeared out of his sight. He stood out there until it was long gone, and took the time to pull himself back together and head inside.

The living room was empty except for Tony slumped over on the couch. Steve didn’t know how he’d let himself behave so foolishly, how he’d allowed this to happen. He’d had the signs, he had _known_ and he still—

He closed his eyes, groaned and rubbed his temples. He was an idiot.

He opened his eyes again to stare down at Tony’s rumpled form and allowed himself to break rule number one. He ran his hands lightly over Tony’s forehead and pushed back the fallen strands of hair there, “What am I supposed to do now, huh?”

He wasn’t expecting an answer, “You could always tell them both.”

Steve jerked his hand away and took a step back. His eyes shot up away from Tony only to meet Natasha’s cool gaze, “I—“

Natasha walked closer and looked down at Tony. Her stare lingered and all at once he both wanted to know and didn’t want to know what she was thinking. When she looked back up to Steve there was a grim smile ghosting over his lips, “you love him.”

Steve checked quick for any signs of Tony stirring and then walked around the couch towards Natasha, just in case. “I didn’t mean to.”

She nodded, “but you do, and you have, and you will.”

Steve ran a hand over his face, the words bubbling up and out, “Sharon, she deserves so much better. More than what I’m giving her. I thought I could, and maybe she thinks I am and that it’s enough but—I love her, just, not in the right way and not enough. I didn’t understand that, not until tonight.”

Natasha’s eyebrow wrinkled “What changed?”

“The movie, I mean, it doesn’t seem like much. It was just a movie, so insignificant. I could have chosen the other one, just to make her happy, I was going to and then he walked in and it wasn’t her anymore. It was him, it always is and maybe it always will be. I’m going to choose him over and over and eventually she will see it too and that isn’t fair to her. She deserves to come first and—“ he sucked in a harsh breath, “I’m going to end up hurting her no matter what I do.”

Natasha frowned "You can't help the way you feel Steve. Remember that. She will be hurt but that is not something you can help because she also can’t help the way she feels. You have to be brave enough to do the right thing now because it’s not going to get any easier the longer you wait."

“I know. You’re right. I know you’re right. It’s just- it’s _Tony”_ he tried to crack a smile that came out feeling a lot more weary than amused.

She laughed lightly “Oh кролик” she gripped his shoulder briefly “you are a bit ambitious. Tony Stark” she patted his cheek “удачи”

“What does that mean?”

She stepped back from him and smirked “good luck”

Steve snorted “thank you.” He looked back down at Tony “Thank you for listening”

When he looked back up she was gone.

Steve walked back to stand in front of Tony again and let himself stare for a moment. It was still relatively new. Attraction he understood after awhile, admitting he was in love. Still hard to swallow.

He ran his fingertips over the angles of Tony’s face and sighed to himself. He’d have to deal with it later. In that moment, he needed to get Tony up and into bed. He shook him lightly. “Hey, Tony? Wake up.”

Tony sniffed slightly, his mouth moved open and closed in tiny abortive motions but he stayed soundly asleep. Steve found himself distracted by the sheer amount of cute he just witnessed. “I—okay then.”

He leaned down and picked Tony up carefully into his arms, cradling him to his chest and started walking him to his room.

It wasn’t until halfway there that Tony opened his eyes and looked around blearily “Why am I moving?"

Steve glanced down at him “because I’m carrying you to bed”

Tony yawned, nodded “okay” and promptly passed back out.

Steve felt his heart beating erratically in his chest and he was hit with an amazed feeling at how he could have mistaken this feeling for anything else.

He refused to look back down until he was tucking Tony into his bed and even then only briefly. When he started to leave he felt a hand grip his wrist. He startled and looked down. Tony’s eyes were still closed but his mouth fell open “thanks”

“It’s no problem”

Tony rolled over then, letting go of his wrist. He got out a quick “you’re…favorite” before the light snoring started up.

Yes, well, apparently Tony was his favorite also.  

He left the room as quietly as possible.

 

* * *

 

 

When he got back to his own room, Steve opened his drawer and pulled out the drawing book, the one full of all the different versions of Tony and turned to an empty page. He grabbed a pen and started to make a list.

 

                                              

 With that last line Steve stopped completely and closed his book. He tucked it away in back to its place.

There it was. What he had tried to ignore, what had crept up anyways. He was in love with Tony Stark.

“I’m in love with Tony”

Instead of the surge of panic he thought he’d feel, all that came was the overwhelming sense of relief.

He loved Tony. He loved him and that was okay. It was—it was good. He wasn’t exactly sure what he should do with that information other than what he needed to do. He needed to let Sharon down as gently as possible. After that was done—after that, Steve would just take it one day at a time.  

 

* * *

 

Breaking up with Sharon was not easy in any way. Steve cared for her, she was the first girl to come anywhere close to what he had felt for Peggy and Steve believed that if it weren’t for Tony, he would have fallen in love with her.

There was Tony though, and he refused to be _that guy_ , the one who would string her along more than he already inadvertently had. It would just end in disappointment and hurt feelings and Steve wanted Sharon to be happy, even though he couldn’t be the one to give her that happiness.

He needed to be human enough to end it, so he readied himself and invited her out to lunch at one of her favorite places. He waited until she was settled and then took a deep breath to calm his raging nerves. “I need to tell you something.”

Sharon looked up from her menu, her eyebrows pulling in with worry, “What’s wrong?”

Steve scratched at the denim over his knee, a nervous twitch, but kept his eyes steady, directly on her. “I really like you Sharon. You are one of the best people I’ve met since waking up here and I don’t ever want you hurt in any way but I know if we stay together I—“

“You’re breaking up with me?”

“I—yes. It’s not you, it’s me. I—“

Sharon scoffed, disbelief etched on her face, “I’ve heard that one before.”

Steve stopped short, confused. “Heard what before?”

She wrinkled her nose and gave him a searching look for a moment. She sighed, “Right. You’re being genuine. Look, Steve, whatever you’re going through…maybe we just need to talk about it. I can help you—“

Steve shook he head, the words falling away from him, “I think I’m in love with Tony.” Steve felt heat climbing up his neck, guilt low in his gut, “I know I’m in love with Tony.”

Sharon scowled “You two—“ her face twisted miserably, “you’ve been seeing him behind my—“

“No! No, Sharon. He doesn’t even know that I feel this way. I haven’t, I wouldn’t cheat on you. Not like that. Tony…” Steve paused to scratch the nape of his neck.

He didn’t know if it was really appropriate to explain all of this to her. He wanted her to understand though. “I can explain, but…” he trailed off.

Sharon gave it some thought, and then motioned for him to continue.

“Before we met, I’d felt this thing, insistently and all the time. I’d been attracted to him and I didn’t want to be and then I met you. You are gorgeous and strong willed and when I was with you I was happy, I wasn’t worried about Tony or anything but the way I felt when you were around. And then you kissed me and I thought, ‘yeah, this could work. This is what I needed.’

I thought it was getting better, I thought I was doing enough but all I’ve been doing is running and it caught up to me.” Steve picked more of the fabric of his jeans, “There’s you and there is Tony and I’m not sure of what I’m doing or what I need to do. The only thing I know for certain is that I’m in love with him and you deserve so much more than me. You deserve to be the beginning and the end of some lucky guys’ world and I can’t give that to you and I wish I could but I can’t and I’m sorry.”

He took a deep breath and placed his palms on the table in front of him. Sharon starred off to the side, the wind pushing her hair out from its place, tucked behind her ear. Steve wanted to tuck it back but he knew that he didn’t have that right anymore.

Minutes went by in silence. Steve waved off the waiter who asked to take their order.

When she finally did speak, it was even and clear  with a blank expression, “I don’t know what to say to you Steve”

“You don’t have to say anything.” He paused, tilted his head “I know you’re going to need time, but before everything, you were my friend. I don’t want to lose you completely.”

Sharon tucked her own hair back into place, leaned forward on her elbows. “I am going to need time, but I’ll try. I don’t—well, I do, but I don’t really—what I’m trying to say is, I’m going to try not to hold a grudge.” She shook her head, amused “If you were any other guy Steve Rogers, I’d tell you to get lost and storm away, but you’re not. You’re Captain America and you had the balls to tell me the truth, so for that, I’m not going to hold a grudge because Tony—“ her face went sour for just a moment before she managed to clear it again. “Tony sounds like he’s the beginning and end of your world and maybe I do want that but if I can’t have it with you then, well, I’m glad you have it with someone.”

Steve felt the corners of his mouth tilt up “you are an amazing women”

She smirked and stood up “don’t you forget it.” She looked around, her smirk dropped from her face “I should go, this would work better if I left”

Steve stood up too, hesitating before opening his arms in an invitation. Surprisingly,  she fell forward into him, arms wrapping tight around his torso. Steve kissed the top of her head first, then her cheek. He didn’t stop her when she placed her hand on his neck and leaned up to place a final kiss on his lips.

Sharon pulled back, placed her hand on his cheek “I’m going to miss doing that.” She pulled away from him completely. “I’ll call you sometime”

“I’ll be there when you do.”

Sharon nodded, turned her back on him and walked swiftly away, immediately absorbed into the crowd of strangers.

Steve sighed, paid the bill, and left wishing he could disappear into the crowd as effectively as she had.

* * *

 

When Steve got to the Tower, it was empty as far as he could tell. He walked to his room for the sole purpose of changing his clothes and then hurried back out to head to the gym. He needed to release all the tension he’d managed to build up within himself.

He walked over to the punching bag, wrapped his hands and went at it.

_One .Two_

He saw Sharon laughing at a joke he had told.

_Three. Four .Five_

Tony smiled at him from behind his morning coffee.

  _Six. Seven_

Steve had no idea what he was supposed to do now. Was he supposed to tell Tony? That didn’t seem like the thing to do, not when he didn’t even know how Tony felt.

_Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven._

There was a chance he could actually ruin everything if he did that.

_Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen._

He’d rather live a life of silently loving Tony than possibly losing him due to unwanted affection.

_Fifteen. Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen._

He’d already lost too much; he couldn’t lose anymore.

_Nineteen. Twenty._

Steve narrowed his eyes and cleared his head of everything before it began to spiral in a direction he didn’t want to go..

 

* * *

 

Steve wasn’t sure how much time passed before he caught sight of red hair from the corner of his eye. It couldn’t have been too long given the very small amount of sweat he had worked up.  He stilled his movements and waited for Natasha to say something.

Natasha stopped a few feet away and gave him a thorough once over. He didn’t know what it was she saw, but whatever it was, it had her whipping out her phone to shoot off a text. The phone was gone as fast as it appeared. “Let’s spar.”

Steve nodded without hesitation and made his way to the ring, “Don’t go easy on me this time, give me all you got.”

Natasha grinned wickedly and flipped into the ring “you’re going to regret saying that Cap.”

Steve got into a fighting stance “we’ll see”

With that they were off. Natasha didn’t take it easy on him, she came at him right, left, sideways, under and over. Where Steve was all force, Natasha was fine toned agility and skill. It made for a fairly intense sparring session that ended with Steve pinned to the mat far more than usual.

Steve just shook his head and hopped back up each time he was knocked down, “again”

They kept sparring until every muscle in Steve’s body ached in the best way. He collapsed back onto the floor and starred at the ceiling, breathing deeply.

Natasha sat on the floor next to him, taking in quick huffs of air. She gave him a calm look, cheeks flushed from the exertion of their workout “Better?”

Steve closed his eyes “yeah, yeah thanks”

They sat in silence, each bringing their breathing back to normal levels. Steve cracked open his eyes and looked at Natasha, “I’m pretty sure you already know.”

Natasha nodded

“It went well. Better than expected I guess. Sharon really—“ he stopped talking abruptly “I actually don’t want to talk about this”

Natasha stood up, “that’s fine. How about we eat though?”

“I could eat” Steve stood up himself and followed her out of the room. They walked all the way to the common area in companionable silence.

When they arrived Steve was taken aback by the sight that greeted them. His team, all lounging casually around, surrounded by pizza boxes, chips, sodas, beers, brownies and tubs of ice cream.

Natasha walked further into the room and sat down next to Thor on couch. He looked around at them all, Thor with a large pizza in his lap, Clint with a beer in his hand and feet thrown over Bruce’s lap and Tony, a tumbler of scotch held loosely in one hand, the other digging into a bag of chips.

Steve shook his head fondly and walked forwards towards them all. Tony quickly patted the spot next to him and Steve sat down, pizza box almost immediately shoved into his lap. Tony nudged his shoulder and raised his brow.

Steve nodded at him to let him know he was fine. Tony grinned and addressed JARVIS “put on something Capsicle would like _. Lost_ , maybe. Yeah, put on _Lost_.” Tony threw his arm around Steve’s shoulders and took a sip from his scotch.

Steve decided then and there to give himself that night, to let himself just relax into Tony’s arm around him. He wouldn’t think about how he shouldn’t and he wouldn’t think about what his plans we’re for the entire situation. All of that could wait till tomorrow.

Steve accepted the beer offered to him by Clint with a grateful smile.

He’d deal with everything tomorrow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Third chapter down, I don't know how many left to go. Let me know what you think so far!


	4. Chapter 4

Loving Tony became just another thing for Steve, another irrevocable fact. His hair was blonde, his mother’s name was Sarah, he fought in World War II and he loved Tony.

Simple.

Well, the knowing he was in love part was simple. The rest of it, Tony’s obliviousness, the part where he sort of hoped Tony would stay in the dark, that was complicated wrapped in doubt covered in a sprinkling of too much to handle.

Often Steve found that he definitely didn’t want Tony to find out, he would get into his own head and think about it for too long, dissecting every detail. He’d be hit with all the reasons he couldn’t say anything, reasons he’d call cliché if he weren’t the one in the situation. From the strain put on their friendship, a friendship Steve just wasn’t ready to risk, to the fact that Tony has never shown much interest in him, Steve would definitely know if he had. Maybe, if the casual flirting wasn’t extended to everyone, or if Tony didn’t still bring home different girls from time to time, maybe then Steve would be willing to gamble, but it was and he did and Steve wouldn’t.

There were other times too, times in between all the doubt where he found the words pressed between his lips. He’d be sitting with Tony, who was half way through a long rambling explanation for how this or that thing worked and why it was so very important and Steve would listen closely, understanding maybe one third of what Tony was saying, with what he knew was an idiotic grin plastered on his face. He couldn’t help it, couldn’t help the warmth that spread through him, didn’t care that he never really understood or held much interest in all the technology Tony tried to explain to him in detail. Him listening, it was about the way Tony was genuinely interested, the way his eyes wandered around, hands jerking and tapping, narrating everything. It was about the way Tony took the time to break it all down, how he shot Steve quick smiles when Steve would catch on to something and ask a question. Steve loved seeing Tony in his element, loved being allowed to be a part of it for those moments and when he sat there listening, the most prevalent thought running through his head was ‘I love you, how do you not know I love you’. He never said it though, kept it held tight within him, but in those moments he almost thought he could.

Then, the worst times, when he was caught somewhere in between the two. Those usually came about when Tony brought home those different girls, when he found himself wanting to calmly walk over and separate the two of them. He wanted to make Tony see that it should be him, not her, who got to have Tony’s fingers trailed down their hips, that Tony should smile that seductive smile at him before dragging them both to the bedroom. Steve wanted to let Tony know then in there that he deserved more than a quick fuck, he deserved someone who loved him and wanted him there for more than a few nights. Someone who would be there day in and day out. He could be that for Tony, he wanted to be that for Tony.

Steve didn’t do that though. Steve stood back, blank faced, as he let Tony walk away time and time again.

It was self destructive, a chemical reaction building up before it eventually exploded. Steve knew that it would all come bursting out and breaking down eventually. He knew that he was just prolonging the inevitable.

There was no doubt in Steve’s mind that Tony would one day know how Steve felt. Either Tony would find out himself and confront him on it in which case Steve would tell the truth. Or, Steve would build enough courage to tell Tony himself.

For all that he was Captain America, brave team leader of the Avengers, Steve had his money bet on Tony figuring it out on his own.

* * *

 

The Avengers where in California when it happened.

There was an annual function hosted by Stark Industries that mostly involved everyone who was anyone in the business world making new connections with a side order of good entertainment and food. Pepper had insisted that Tony show up to actually give his speech this year, which only meant that Tony had insisted that the rest of the Avengers also attend. He’d actually made it a condition for his arrival which meant everyone had Pepper on them in a matter of minutes.

Nobody said no to Pepper when she was determined.

It wasn’t Steve’s idea of the best way to spend his night, forced into a tux that was admittedly well fitted thanks to Tony’s tailor, but still made him feel like a monkey in a suit. The mingling, the wining and dining with all these strangers, it wasn’t really him. He faked it as good as anyone though, for Tony’s sake, and for team image.

It wouldn’t look good to have the Avengers leader sulking in a corner, picking at his collar, the entire night. So, Steve walked around, made small talk in three minute intervals with everyone who stopped him and tried to make it look like he wasn’t searching for one his team mates to latch on to

It was all going well enough, all the way up until the whining started. It was low at first, excusable, a minor nuisance that only gained half of Steve’s attention.

Then it got louder, and louder still until several people started dropping, hands to their ears, screaming bloody murder on their knees. The noise kept on, Steve covered his ear’s in hope to drown it out just a bit.

It stopped almost as quickly as it started, left a silence before the room erupted in chaos.

People ran for the doors, pushing and shoving in a way that would cause riot before it actually helped anyone.

He heard Tony then, voice filtered through Iron Man’s speakers “Everyone stop!” The crowd stood still, falling quiet once more.

Steve took the opportunity that the silence provided and made his way over to Iron Man, standing at his side in front of the crowd. “The safest place for you all is inside, away from the windows. Do not panic and do not leave this room unless otherwise instructed by one of the Avengers. In the mean time, we will figure out what’s going on and give the all clear when everything is under control. Understood?”

There was a murmur of assent, a few nodding heads and Steve’s com was crackling to life “Avenger’s Assemble”.

The team made its way quickly to the stationed Quinjet where their suits and weapons were stored. Everyone changed as fast as possible, Iron Man already scanning the area for information.

Steve grabbed his shield, ran out followed closely by the others. He turned towards the sky “what have we got Iron Man?”

Tony dropped before them all, hand and knee to the ground before straightening up “looks like droids Cap, I’m reading 100 and counting. They’re near the bridge-“ Tony paused, shooting into the sky to hover over them all “we need to be over there now, they’ve opened fire”

“Okay, Bruce, we’re gonna need you to get angry.” Bruce nodded, already turning green in the face. Steve turned his attention to Natasha and Clint “Black Widow and Hawkeye, I want you to head over in the Quinjet.” They both turned and climbed back on board, engines coming to life almost before Steve had opened his mouth again “Thor, lead Hulk to the site and Iron Man, give me a lift?”

Tony dropped in altitude, extending his arm so Steve could step in to his side. He gave Tony quick thanks before addressing the team through com again, wind rushing against his face as Iron Man took off “okay Avengers, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and I will be on ground work, these things are in the air which means we need to focus on civilian evacuation. Thor, Iron Man and Hulk will focus on bringing those droids down” 

“aye aye Captain” Steve was dropped to the ground, landing in a quick barrel roll that brought him to his feet right in the thick of things. He had just enough time to watch Tony pierce the sky before he was otherwise occupied helping civilians make their way off the bridge and towards safety.

For the first few minutes everything went well. The droids were bursting in the air, some knocked down so that they were just close enough for Steve’s shield to take them out, and the bridge was steadily being cleared in an almost orderly fashion give or take a few hysteric people.

It was all a blur from there.

His shield went flying.

He blocked a woman from being shot straight through the head.

The shots started to come faster.  

Iron Mans repulsors missed more often than they connected

 “They’re adapting”

And wasn’t that just perfect. Steve cursed under his breath and tried to focus on prying the door of a totaled car open to get the family out.

The air must have picked up the turning tide, madness erupting all around. It was a never ending stream of screaming people, shots in the air, the Hulks roar, and then a constant murmuring coming from his communicator.

Steve’s jaw ticked, straining to make out the words being said but coming up with nothing but a stray word here and there.

He passed the family off to Natasha before he took a running start, jumping on the hood of a car to propel himself up to get a hold of one of the lower flying hunks of metal. His momentum allowed him to slam it into the ground, shield descending in the next moment. The glowing blue lights flickered and then went out.

Steve had no time to be self-satisfied, already spotting another target.

The murmuring got louder, frustrated. Steve put his hand to his ear “what was that?”

There was no answer.

“What was that?” more insistent that time.

Tony came into view then, repulsors blazing faster than Steve could keep up with. He sounded winded “I can bring them down, all of them at once.”

Clint snorted harshly “well fuck Stark, hurry up and get on it then”

Thor’s lighting broke the sky in fragments, setting off a series of small explosions. Steve paused, turned his gaze toward the sky. He’d been around Tony enough to hear a shift in tone.

“How exactly?”

Tony cursed to himself, voice coming out quickly as he soared through the air. “They’re like bees; they have a hive mind, all taking command from the same source. One of them learns something and the rest all learn the same thing. At this rate it will be impossible to even touch one. I can bring them down though, I just have to hack the mainframe, connect the suit to it and from there I can scramble their signature. With the signature interrupted I can send a virus, a signal, it’ll infect every single one of them.” His voice was pleading, urgent. “It’ll work”

It sounded like a good plan, it sounded like the perfect plan. Which meant something was wrong. “The risks?”

Tony’s reaction was immediate “look Cap, we don’t have time—“

Steve barely managed to scrape a droid before it flew out of his reach. He grunted “make time.”

Tony let out a distorted huff of air, “13—make that 12.264% possibility that they can reverse my hack and take over Iron Man, but—“

“No”

“Cap, listen—“

Steve bit out his next words, “No Iron Man. The risk is too high, stick to your position. That’s an order.”

Tony didn’t answer, suit zooming away from Steve’s site. Steve would have worried if he couldn’t still make of the vague beam of repulsors every few moments.

Steve didn’t understand, didn’t know how to begin understanding why Tony always did this, always found a way to save the day even at the risk of his own well being. Tony could curse Steve all he wanted, because at the end of the day Steve needed to know that if Tony wouldn’t take care of himself, Steve would.

The droids came in faster, hit harder. Steve took a shot to the thigh, a steady stream of blood flowing out of the wound. He heard Clint give a muffled ‘fuck’ followed close by Natasha’s low hiss of pain. Hulk was still going strong, though his enraged yells only got louder and more frequent as the droids learned to weave and dodge from his grasp.

Thor landed beside Steve in a flourish, Mjollnir held aloft “It is of no use, they come non-stop from a source yet unknown. I fear the tide shall shift at any moment.”

Steve’s body sagged against a turned over truck, taking a few moments to take the pressure off of his injured leg. “We need a plan, we need—“

Natasha’s sharp inhale brought Steve up short “What do you think you’re doing Stark?!”

Steve’s eyes snapped to the sky, eyes ceaseless until they found their target. The suit flashed gleaming red and gold as it ascended higher and higher still. “Iron Man, what is your status?”

Tony sounded harassed “Look, Thor’s right and I’m right. We need to end this now, we needed to end this ten minutes ago. I tried it your way and now I’m going to try it my way.”

Steve’s body went ram rod straight, hand pressing his communicator to his ear “You have an order. Stand down.” Tony stopped in mid-air, hovering in place. Steve let his shoulders sag, satisfied that Tony had listened. He should have known better than to let his guard down so quickly.

Steve’s private line crackled to life then, quiet voice making its way through “sorry Cap, but I can’t do that”

Everything stopped then. It seemed the very world had somehow paused for that one silent moment.  Then the droids shifted, their attention turned to Tony and Tony alone. Hulk roared, and with that the droids seemed to snap back to life, all taking off at once heading toward Tony at alarming speeds.

Steve barked out an alarmed “Thor!” who promptly took off toward the growing group. “Natasha get the Quinjet ready, I’ll meet you there”

Her harried voice cut in immediately “already tried, nothings working. We can’t get her even a foot off the ground.”  

He cursed, stood on the ground, hopeless to find a way up there “Iron Man! Stop!”

Tony breathing was ragged “I almost got it, just...fuck!”

“What is it? What’s going on” Steve watched, tried to hear past the thumping in his ear. Was that him? He couldn’t tell, mind focused on one thing and one thing only as Thor continued to swing his way through the thick of it.

“Nothing, It’s fine, it’s—“ There was a scream then, a blood curdling shout as the suit plummeted through the sky. Steve could do nothing but watch horrified as it was dragged down, splashing into the water.

Steve’s throat shut, air just barely managing to make its way through. He might have tried to yell but there was no sound. He stumbled, clumsy with dread, as he made his way to the railing. He couldn’t see anything, couldn’t hear anything. He tried to get his voice to work, to call out but it was useless. He stood choking on nothing.

It wasn’t the end. Steve wouldn’t accept having another friend lost to a fall. He didn’t jump after Bucky, he wouldn’t make that mistake again. He swung his shield to his back, ready to dive into the icy waters before he was distracted by the site of every droid around them falling to the ground, crashing and bursting apart.

He managed to pull in a full breath, mind put just a fraction at ease by the site. Tony had done it. He was going to kill Tony, but maybe he’d hug him first. Just maybe.

He tried to call out to Tony again, get his position. There was no response. For three full minutes he got no response but the static from Tony’s end. His blood rushed beneath his skin, heart pounding fast in his chest. It felt like it was trying to leap its way straight out of him “I want lookouts over the water, Clint and Natasha, see if you can get the Quinjet powered up and running, get Hulk calmed down, Bruce can fix where it was hit. I want scans of the area, quick. Thor, fly over head and see if you spot him.” Steve didn’t waste any more time. He dove in head first and hoped that the suit would remain sealed until they could find Tony and pull him out.

Five, Ten, Forty minutes passed by with nothing. No sign or word. Steve duck in and out of the water, feeling more and more dismayed as the time ticked on. Steve tried to stop thinking, tried not to believe that it was already too late. With those thoughts came a rising hysteria that would do absolutely nothing to help the situation.

‘We’ll find him’ he told himself over and over.

When an hour and a half had passed by without any luck, Steve allowed himself to be pulled from the water by Clint and Natasha, his hope dangling by a thread.

 _They’d find him, they would, It was the Pacific ocean, he could be anywhere, they’d probably find a body_.

Steve shook his head to clear it. There was a tangled mess taking form inside him, only kept at bay by a shard that grew dimmer and dimmer by the minute, a minute belief that Tony was somehow okay. Surely he’d feel it if he were gone, he’d know somehow.

Steve stood stoically near the command, watching the scans work. He waited, patiently for something, anything, a blip on the screen that meant the Iron Man suit was detected.

Nothing came up for almost twenty minutes longer. It was twenty minutes spent, leg cramping where he was shot, eyes restless as they watched the scans watching the water. Steve felt himself slipping, felt cracks opening up, allowing his fears to creep in one at a time. His body began to twitch with every sound Clint or Natasha made, hands clenching and relaxing non-stop. He was falling apart and he knew it, body breaking into a cold sweat.

He hadn’t realized how little he was breathing until he sucked in too much air too quickly. The grid blipped, latching on to a point a couple kilometers away. Steve was out of the aircraft before it had a chance to properly land, crashing down into the ground before pushing himself up and hobbling as fast as he could over to the red and gold pile washed up on the shore line.

He fell to his knees at the armors side. His fingers shook as he made quick work of the manual releases, heart in his throat as the final one came undone.

Tony was there, staring groggily up at him. He coughed “took you long enough”

Steve’s body let go, sagging with the complete and utter relief that washed over him. He let his head fall down to rest on Tony’s chest, breathing in as deeply as his body could take. Admittedly, Tony smelled a lot like salt water and sweat, but under that, under it Steve could still smell the cologne lingering on his suit from earlier that evening, could almost swear he smelt the mechanical smell of oil.

Tony patted Steve’s head awkwardly. “uh, I’m okay. Really.”

Steve pulled away, sat up and gave Tony what was probably an uncertain smile. He felt like he was everywhere at once, a body halfway undone trying to piece itself back together before anyone noticed. He was happy, so happy that Tony was okay but at the same time there was a current traveling under his skin, unsteadying him, tipping his equilibrium.

He stood up, dragging Tony with him a second later. Tony stumbled before managing to lock his legs in place. To Tony’s credit, he managed to stay almost completely still as Steve checked him over for any signs of injury, at least all the way up until his face scrunched up into itself “Steve, you’re shot”

Tony tried to move, get his hands on Steve’s thigh where the bullet had gone through. Steve batted his hands away “I know, it went through clean. Stop moving and let me finish—”

“You’re not fine. Did you even attempt to get that taken care of?”

Steve closed his eyes, tried unsuccessfully to calm the anger building up. His voice was low, a warning to drop the subject “I was a little busy looking for you Tony.”

Tony didn’t get it, or he didn’t want to get it. “You could have gotten that patched up in the amount of time it took to find me.”

And wasn’t that just something, Tony criticizing him and his carelessness when he was the one who so nearly recklessly sacrificed himself. “I wouldn’t have had to find you if you had followed orders”

Tony snorted, as if it were a joke. “It worked didn’t it?”

It snapped, it was the only way to describe the feeling. All at once, everything clumping together, distorting and then fracturing. _It worked_. Of course it worked, that’s all Tony thought mattered. As long as the mission was a success something as meaningless as Tony’s own life couldn’t be important. He didn’t know that it _hurt_.

Most people thought that you saw red when you were angry, that wasn’t always true. When you really felt it, in every cell of your body, deep in your bones, it was white. White creeping at the edge of your vision, a white noise clouding out all other sound, pure and horrible white. It was beautiful and dangerous and so easy to grasp onto when everything else was falling away.

Steve’s fist connected with Tony’s jaw before he could stop himself, lighting quick and entirely unexpected. He had to fight to pull the punch as much as he had.

Tony staggered back, a flash of disbelief before storm clouds seemed to take over. He gripped his jaw, eyes narrowed at Steve “What—“

Steve cut him off, “It worked? You think that’s—“ Steve stopped. He needed space, he needed to hold it together. When he spoke again, his voice was much lower, ice instead of fire. “What the hell were you thinking? I told you not to do it. I gave you an order Tony. A direct order to hold your damn ground.”

“I was thinking that we needed to do whatever it took before anyone got seriously injured. I was thinking that those flying junk robots needed to be taken out of the sky. I was thinking that I was doing my damn job!”

“You could have been killed Tony”

“But I wasn’t! I wasn’t Steve. We risk our lives every time we do this and I –” He patted down his body “I’m still here, still whole. I ran the calculations, I knew the risks and it was worth it.”

Steve clenched his fists at his sides, nails biting sharply into his palms. “You’re right, we risk our lives every time, but not like that. We don’t fly in blind and take chances. Your life is not an acceptable risk. Maybe to you, but not to me, and not to the rest of the team. Next time I give you an order, I suggest you take it.”

Tony sneered, defensive “Or what Captain, are you going to bench me?”

Steve looked away from Tony, focused on a point over Tony’s shoulder trying to get the white to recede. “If that’s what it takes to get it through your head, then yes.”

“Bullshit.”

Steve’s gaze cut back to Tony, whip quick, “Try me”

They stared each other down for moments that seemed to stretch into forever, the sound of the water crashing on the shore just behind them. Steve knew that the others were there, Thor, Natasha, Bruce and Clint, all holding back, waiting to intervene if needed.

Tony was the first to break. He let his gaze drop, ran his had roughly over his face, wincing when he hit his jaw, “You need me out there. You needed me out there today. Those things, they were just getting stronger and stronger. You heard the others, we couldn’t take that, we needed an out and I provided one. Why can’t you get it through your thick skull that I did the right thing?”

“It wasn’t the right thing Tony. We would have found another way, we would have—“

Tony shook his head sharply, shouted, “There was no other way!”

“How do you know!” Steve roared, words tearing out of him. “You didn’t give any of us a chance to think of another option. It was your way or no way.” Steve stepped closer; he just needed Tony to understand, to get what Steve was trying to say. “What if they had gotten the suit, what then? Do you think we could have taken them and you too? Did that even cross your mind?”

“Of course it did, I told you already, I ran the numbers. It was f—“

Steve barreled over him “Don’t you dare say it was fine. It was not fine.”

Tony sighed, “It worked Steve, this thing we’re doing right now, this arguing? It’s pointless. I did what needed to be done, I’d do it again in a heartbeat if it meant ending that fight.”

Steve stopped, body tensing. Every muscle in his body pulled taught. He couldn’t stand the conflicting thoughts in his head, couldn’t stand the urge to grab Tony close and not let go at the same time as pushing him as far away as possible. Steve just wanted to find a way to let him know how terrified he had felt as Tony fell screaming, let him know that he didn’t know how he would live without him, didn’t ever want to figure it out. Steve needed to get away, get away before he gave in. He pushed pass Tony “you are a self sacrificing asshole Stark.”

He made it two steps before Tony’s hand shot out, grabbing his shoulder “Steve, wait—“

Steve didn’t want to wait; he wanted to get out of there, to walk away from all of this mess before he did something he’d regret. He shook off Tony’s hand. “No”

“Steve—“

Steve didn’t turn back around to face Tony, kept his shoulders squared as he paused in his stride “Just—don’t talk to me for awhile. I can’t—“ he started walking again, voice tight “I can’t deal with you right now.”

To Steve’s amazement he managed to keep his posture all the way up until he was back inside the Quinjet. There, he allowed his shoulders to fall, for his eyes to shutter.

It never got any easier with Tony. Just more and more complicated to the point where Steve wondered if he’d ever be able to get it in order again.

* * *

 

It seemed that Tony took his wishes seriously, seeing as he disappeared immediately after they returned to the tower and hadn’t been seen for almost a week and a half since.

And at first, those first few days, Steve needed that. Needed the time to regroup, to patch up all of the spots that had come undone during their fight. Then, then it was nearing day seven and all Steve wanted was to find Tony again, put it all behind them and move on.

Except he couldn’t. He couldn’t put the incident behind him. Tony had fallen, Steve had watched him fall, had felt himself unraveling as each hopeless minutes ticked by with a missing Tony. It wasn’t the type of thing that just went away.

It was like Bucky all over again. Bucky falling away while Steve vanished from sight on the train, Tony being dragged down while Steve was stuck on the ground.

Steve still hadn’t found a way to convey those feelings without giving away more than he was comfortable with. So, he left it alone even as it ate away at him. He let Tony keep to himself and told himself that when Tony did come around, he would figure it all out then.

* * *

 

_Steve’s plane was crashing, the icy water getting closer and closer until the nose of the plane impacted, jarring Steve to his bones. He felt it, the shock to his system, the burn of it all over his skin. The plane just kept going, further and further into the water, spiraling downwards until suddenly Steve was on the ground._

_The water was still there though, gurgling in his lungs as he watched the sky. Steve choked, wide eyes glued to Tony out of his suit, hurtling through the sky and there was no one there to save him. Steve couldn’t even save himself, how was he going to save Tony?_

_Tony crashed into the ground, the water disappeared and the air punched him hard. It hurt to breathe almost as much as it had hurt to suffocate. There were bombs going off behind his eyes, all around him bombs in the middle of a battlefield. It was the same battlefield Steve remembered so crisply. He was sure he’d never forget it. Steve already lost so much, so many people that he loved. He couldn’t do that again, knew it wasn’t possible to live through and come out alright, more or less himself._

Steve awoke, covered in sweat, “—NO!” because he was still there, because he could still see Tony crashing into the ground.

He could see the explosions behind his eyes, bright white lights flickering, flickering and then they stopped, and the world went dark. All he could hear was a scream echoing over and over, ripping into his gut like a knife until even it faded away leaving nothing but a long high pitched whine.

It was the sound of old gears spinning, working restlessly even when they just didn’t have it in them to turn anymore. They tried though, they tried and it was sad and pathetic and all Steve could think was that they should give up.

Steve felt himself sit up, vaguely felt hands rubbing his back but he couldn’t make out any other sound besides the whine of the gears. Constantly tirelessly whining until they eventually fell apart; until they were replaced with something new and better. Something much more fit for the future. It would be for the best.

Steve’s breathing came in pants, erratic as his hands gripped the fabric of his jeans. He needed to ground himself.

He couldn’t though, he couldn’t see past the mangled bodies on the field. He watched the ones who were too far gone to save but not far enough that they didn’t realize what’s happening to them. He watched the pain and fear dance in their eyes only to be reflected ten times over in the eyes of the friends who stayed by their side till the end.

He saw Bucky then, lying mangled and bloody. He heard his whisper ‘you let me fall’.  And he had, hadn’t he? He let Bucky fall and he never even got the chance to reassure him that it was all going to be okay, that Steve was going to get him help. He never got a chance to give Bucky those empty words because he was too busy clinging to the edge of a train. Watching his friend fall, unable to let go himself.

Steve sucked in a breath, “no—“ but it wasn’t Bucky anymore, it was Peggy, aging so rapidly before his eyes, ‘you left me behind.’ He hadn’t meant to. He hadn’t tried to leave her behind but he had and now she was out of his reach too as he clung to not the train but this allusion that he was a part of this new world. He wasn’t. He knew that. He left her behind and all he wished now was that he’d just left.

A sob tore its way out of Steve’s chest, “I’m sor—“, Tony, lying surrounded by broken pieces of armor, ‘you should have stayed in the ice.’ And it was true. He had thought he was getting better, thought maybe—but no. Tony was right.

Steve couldn’t pull in a breath that wasn’t a ragged sob, “I know, I know, I’m sorry.”

He should have stayed frozen, he didn’t belong here, he was just making it worse.

Steve heard yelling then, loud and insistent. It was his name, over and over again. He tried to concentrate on it, focused only on that until he was able to open his eyes. He saw them then, Clint and Natasha’s worried faces hovering in front of him.

“I’m sorry, I don’t—I don’t know—I’m sorry” he couldn’t stop apologizing.

Natasha made calming noises under her breath “it’s okay Steve, just breath. Just breathe.”

Clint rubbed soothing circles onto his back, watching over him with careful eyes.

Steve breathed, focused all his attention on pushing the images away from him. He pushed and pushed until even that grating whine was gone. When it was over, Steve nodded his head.

Clint and Natasha backed away, though not too far. They were worried, Steve could see that. He tried for a reassuring grin but it fell flat. “I’m fine. Really.”

Natasha lips thinned “I don’t think that can be classified as ‘fine’ Steve. You need to talk to someone.”

Steve shook his head, ran his hand over his hair “I do, I did. It was just a flook. It’s been a lot better.”

Clint and Natasha shared a quick look before Clint turned back to Steve “You should talk to Tony.”

Steve felt himself tense, made sure to block out the images trying to come back. He tasted bile in his throat and swallowed to wash it down.

He schooled his features “Tony—We haven’t really—not since san Francisco.”

 “He’d listen Steve. You know he would.”

“I know.” And he did know. He’d taken to going to Tony a lot, whenever the thoughts would creep up on him he’d ask JARVIS where Tony was, which turned out to be the workshop 9 out of 10 times, and he’d go.

It took one look from Tony, one glance in his direction and Tony knew. He’d start talking, babbling really, about what he was working on. Sometimes he’d stop working all together and try to distract Steve some other way. They’d work on one of his many cars, go out to eat, or watching bad TV until one or both of them fell asleep. Tony just, he got it. He knew how it felt to feel the air sucked out of a room, to doubt that you’d ever be okay again when in that moment everything felt like it was pressing in way too tight.

Steve wanted that, needed that in an intrinsic way. He wanted Tony to place a casual hand on his shoulder, to make fun of his technique at cleaning rust off of the parts scattered all around them until Steve was laughing so hard that whatever it was that had set him off that time felt as insignificant as a speck of dirt on a black shirt.

He could have that. He could have all of that in just a few minutes if he could just stop seeing Tony fall every time he blinked. “He could have—“

Natasha cut him off, “could have died. I know, we were there Steve. I know it’s different for you, but he’s fine. He’s not dead, he’s down in his workshop brooding over the fact that you haven’t spoken to him in over a week.” She poked his chest, smirking for a moment before her face sobered “ Whether you like it or not Steve, Tony made a call that you were unwilling to make, he saved everyone before it got out of hand. It sucks and it hurts but it’s in the past and it’s up to you whether you want to stay there with it or move on.”

Steve closed his eyes momentarily. She was right. Natasha was always right. He told her as much, nudging her shoulder gently with the palm of his hand.

She said nothing, but gave him a small smile before standing up and offering Steve her hand.

Steve let her pull him up, stood there staring at the two of them for a moment longer. “Look, I really appreciate—“

Clint flapped his hand and scrunched up his face “oh, no. Steve, don’t. We know, okay? We’re your team, we got your back no matter what.”

That time when he smiled, it flowed easy and true “and I’ve got yours.”

Clint rolled his eyes and pushed Steve to the door “go now. Before we have a moment.”

Steve shook his head and started walking, the way to the workshop as familiar to him as the way to his own room.

When he got there he could see Tony just barely through the window, felt the vibrations of the bass emitting from the glass doors. In front of him was one of the droids they had fought, disassembled and scattered all over the table. The sight of them made the back of Steve’s mouth taste of bile.

He should have known Tony would be working on them, they still hadn’t found who they belonged to. It wasn’t the site of the droids that turned Steve’s stomach, just the memory they brought.

 Steve stood there for a moment, eyeing the elevator and the door before he shook his head. He wasn’t running. Steve raised his hand to the access panel and hesitated once more. He really should have thought to prepare something to say, but he hadn’t, he’d let himself be pep talked into going right away.

He put in his access code before he could convince himself to leave.

The music drowned out all the sound in the room, even the sound of Steve’s own footsteps on the ground. Steve cleared his throat, “Tony.”

He went unheard, unnoticed. Steve knew exactly what to do “JARVIS, could you lower the volume”

“With pleasure sir” the music lowered significantly, just a low hum all around.

“JARVIS what—“  He wheeled around in his chair and came up short when he saw Steve. “Right, okay.”

Neither said anything for a long drawn out moment. Steve looked down, rubbed a hand over the back of his head and willed his muscles to stop tensing. “Hey”

“Hey Steve.”

Steve looked back up. Tony was sitting there at his desk, his expression almost blank if not for the ways his eyes danced around, “I want to apologize.”

Tony’s brows furrowed “you want to apologize?”he leaned forward in his seat, hands clasping on his knees.

Steve nodded and drew his eyebrows in, trying to find the words, “look, you were doing what had to be done. I—get that I guess. I don’t like how it had to be done, but, I get it.” Steve took a step closer, that urgency he’d felt during their argument creeping back up, “I just, you need to understand something too though. I will never be happy with any plan that involves you putting yourself at risk like that, especially not when I can’t stand by your side while it’s happening.”

Steve was giving up too much, he knew, but he couldn’t stop the flow of words anymore than he could stop his heart from beating. “Seeing you fall out of the sky, dragged under the water and unable to find you terrified me.  I’ve lost a lot of people Tony, but do not make me lose you too. I need you to be here in more or less one piece okay?”

Steve was almost right in front of Tony by the end. He hadn’t even known he was moving.

The room was washed in silence for a long enough time that Steve started to shift in his spot.

Tony let out a little puff of air before his hand was on Steve’s, clasping it. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have gotten angry; I should have stayed calm and talked it out.” Tony squeezed his palm firmly, eyes boring into Steve’s with so much focus that Steve felt like the room had tipped. “I can’t promise that something won’t happen, just like you can’t promise me that something won’t happen to you. But I will promise to only take a risk if it’s absolutely necessary, okay?”

It wasn’t perfect but it was good enough. He felt lighter than he had since before California, the worry finally trickling away. 

Steve’s throat was dry, scratchy. He just managed a rough, “okay”, before Tony squeezed one more time and let go.

Steve felt disappointed up until Tony smiled at him, then all he could do was smile back. “You know…” Tony trailed off, looking around the workshop “the engine on the 1929 Benz, it needs s bit of work. You have some free time?”

Steve bit the inside of his cheek to stop from smiling too wide, “I’m sure I can make time”

Tony jumped up then, bouncing on his heals once “great! Come on, come on.” He ushered Steve along, pushing at his shoulders to get him to move faster.

Steve laughed and wacked him on the stomach, “I’m moving Tony.”

Tony pushed Steve away playfully then drew him back in with an arm around his shoulder. “Not fast enough Cap. Heavy engines don’t lift themselves out of beautiful classic cars you know. They require muscley men.” Tony pinched Steve’s bicep and frowned “Even though yours are downright obnoxious. You’ll have to do.”

Steve’s voice was dry “thanks Tony. Glad to be useful.”

Tony shot Steve a shit eating grin to win all shit eating grins “everyone needs something Steve.”

 Steve rolled his eyes.  

There were no thoughts of falling, no nightmarish hell zones flashing behind his eyes. It was just him and Tony and Steve could not believe he’d given this up for even a few days. There was nowhere else he’d rather be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoa, okay. This has not been looked over by anyone but me so please excuse any mistakes I haven't caught.   
> Also, I'd just like to say that the next chapter definitely has a kiss in it. Prepare yourselves for some action. Finally.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been forever since I updated this, life getting in the way again. I hope you enjoy anyways.

Steve knew it would happen. He knew that something would take place and expose everything he’d been keeping well under wraps, every secret thought, every bit of longing he’d felt. It had always been just a matter of time, and, no matter how much he’d taken, lately, to entertaining the thought that everything would remain the same, that Tony would still look at him with warm eyes and call him Winghead as if nothing had changed between them, he understood that that was most likely nothing more than an idle wish, a pipe dream.

Everything would change: fact. For better or for worse, the thing between them would move forward, propel Steve away from the comfort of the standstill he’d allowed himself to settle into.

All that was left was the timing, which, Steve admittedly hadn’t had much luck with throughout the whole ordeal. He, at a certain point, had concluded that the best course of action was to enjoy every moment he could before the final proverbial shoe dropped. When that happened, well, it wouldn’t be up to Steve anymore.

He wasn’t sure how Tony would react to the information, kept himself up for hours thinking about it some nights.

There were occasions when Steve thought, maybe. Perhaps the way Tony looked at him, the fond expression on his face, could mean more. Maybe he would return Steve’s affections without hesitation, and Steve could grab him and kiss him the way he’d wanted to for too long now. Those thoughts always filled Steve with a bubbling happiness so strong that a flush would climb down his body as he bit back a ridiculous, giddy, smile that tried to break through.  

More often though, Steve only saw a blank face, empty eyes looking everywhere but at Steve as they tried to map out a way to get anywhere, anywhere at all, that was away from him. He saw himself reaching forward, heard himself trying to reassure Tony that he would get over it, even though he wouldn’t, and that it didn’t have to change anything, when he knew it already had. He’d ask Tony to please stay, ask him not to leave him standing there, ask Tony above all to just _look_ at him. But he wouldn’t, couldn’t, and Steve would flinch at the turn his own thoughts had taken. He shove them away as best as he could. He didn’t want to see that, didn’t want to mourn a moment that might not even happen.

Regardless of the outcome, regardless of how Tony took it, one thing Steve did know was that it was coming. He felt the restlessness in his bones, the tick of a clock winding down until it reached zero.

Any day. Any day Tony would be able to look at him and _know_ , and Steve would stand back and wait with his heart in his throat.

He’d have his answer.

* * *

 

It took Tony three weeks after the California incident to find information on the droid activity and when he did, he’d sent out a request for an immediate Avengers meeting. Which, yes, Steve was glad that Tony was including the team and informing them about important details pertaining to the threat, but, at the same time, he wished Tony had remembered that most people were in bed at four in the morning and didn’t appreciate being woken up with alarms for meetings that could have possibly waited till the sun was actually out.

Steve slumped into his seat and willed himself to pay attention as Tony talked and pointed and gestured at all the displays he had brought up. Steve wanted to listen, he did, but after realizing that there was no immediate threat around, he’d found himself unable to focus much passed thinking about how he’d love to get back to his bed.

He’d been right in the middle of a particularly satisfying dream, one that had him scrambling off of his mattress when the alarm has sounded, hot under his collar and straining in sweatpants that left little to the imagination. The still fresh memory of the dream didn’t help him concentrate any more, not when every time Steve tried he ended up with an eyeful of the jut of Tony’s hip bone, just visible from where his shirt was rucked up. 

He would have felt worse for his preoccupation if it weren’t for the fact that Clint was drooling on the table before he’d even sat down all the way down, Natasha had her face slumped on her propped up fist about five minutes in, and Bruce blinked so rapidly that Steve was almost sure that he wouldn’t be able to stop if he kept it up.

The only one who seemed to be taking the early morning rousing fairly well was Thor, sitting and watching Tony with rapt attention, nodding his head every now and then to show that he was indeed following.

That was good, that was what Steve should have been doing. It sure would have saved his confusion when he caught the tail end of Tony’s sentence.

“—so I’ll be there for possibly a few days, I’ll have the suit, though, I hope I won’t have to use it. This company really looked like it was going places.”

Steve yawed, sat up straight in his chair and then shook his head to clear it. He met Tony’s eyes for possibly the first time since he’d shown up in the room, bleary eyed, and got a bemused smile in return, “Where exactly are you going that requires the suit?”

Tony rolled his eyes, more exaggerated than absolutely necessary, Steve thought. “Sweden, Solna to be exact. Just to make sure, how much did you not hear?”

Steve shrugged, rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, “I heard most I think, but maybe you should give me the highlights one more time—just to be sure.”

Tony nodded, lips twitching up, “right, just to be sure. Well—“ he pulled up the image of a building, not very big, but modern. “This is Bohlen Incorporated, run by founder and CEO Mattias Bohlen. See, Mattias came to me awhile back, business prospect, showed me some specs his company was working on, mostly specializing in clean energy and water filtration. Really interesting things they were proposing, so I said we’d get back, and we’ve been in contact since then in an attempt to speed up research and development.”

Tony pushed the image aside and brought up a map in its place. “Remember how I told you about how the droids had this unique signature? It comes from a manufactured hive mind that allowed them to communicate between themselves efficiently while blocking out all foreign signals that try to break in. It was difficult to muck through, lines of empty code and diverting sequences, but it would have taken longer if I didn’t recognize—“ he pulled up another image, a stream of code so long and complicated that Steve barely spared it a glance. “this. This is the signal that blocked SHIELD from getting through to you and Natasha on your mission awhile back. Lucky that happened or California could have been a lot worse.”

Steve decided then and there it was best not to comment on that. Tony moved on, still absorbed in his explanation,  “so, this signal, its associated with droid technology and more than likely the two originate from the same place, which helped just barely. Turns out it’s a lot harder to track than I originally thought it might be, JARVIS had satellites scanning and re-scanning nonstop for a week before we managed to pin something down. I was able to weed out all the extraneous variables and isolate some activity to a few smaller corporations who were using smaller, more discrete variations of the original signal, all owned in one way or another by Bohlen Inc.” Tony collapsed back into his seat and pushed the images away from him.

“They seemed like a decent prospect, passed the background check and everything, which maybe suggests that my background checks need to be updated—point is, they’re good at hiding what they need to and I’d need a closer look, plant a bug to fish through the servers directly to be completely sure that what I think is happening, is actually happening.”

Steve nodded his head, finally becoming more alert. “When do we leave?”

Tony wrinkled his brow, “We—Steve, it’s just me. Do you know how many red flags would be set off if all of the Avengers show up? Mostly recon, a couple days in and out. I’ve already sent an email out requesting a look around the facilities under Stark Industries name.”

Steve shook his head insistently before Tony had even finished speaking, saw a flash of Tony in the sky, surrounded and alone, “you’re not going by yourself Tony, if you’re right and the droids are being manufactured there, something could go wrong and you’ll need backup.”

Tony opened his mouth to protest presumably, but Natasha hushed him with a quiet murmur, “There’s always a chance things will get heavy.” Steve met her eyes, saw what she was going to say before she actually said it and he couldn’t say he didn’t approve. “It doesn’t have to be all of us, just, take Steve with you.” And then under her breath, “lord knows he won’t function if you don’t”

Steve was torn between thanking her for the suggestion and scowling at her for the rest. She just gave him a raised brow and a mouthed, ‘ _you know it’s true_.’

Tony gave Steve a short, thoughtful look, “that could work.” He stood, slapped his hands loudly onto the table, startling Clint from his sleep, probably on purpose, “now that that’s all settled out, you can all go back to bed—not you Steve, you need to start prepping, we leave in five hours.”

Steve thought only of his bed for a moment, “yeah, okay.” He gave Tony a quick glance, kept his eyes firmly away from where Tony’s shirt still hadn’t righted itself, “you should get a few hours in before we leave.”

Tony waved his hand dismissively, already opening up a new window in front of him, “I’ll sleep on the plane. I still have some things to finish before we go.”

Steve didn’t bother arguing, just nodded and walked out, up to his room to get ready and maybe catch a few hours more of sleep while he could.

* * *

 

They arrived at Bohlen Incorporated promptly at their scheduled time of nine a.m., and were approached immediately by Mattias himself. Mr. Bohlen was a middle aged, enthusiastic man who had an air of permanent relaxation about him. He wore his hair back in a ponytail, blond tendrils coming undone from behind his ears, glasses perched precariously on his nose, and a suit, nicely pressed but with no tie.  It wasn’t hard for Steve to see why Tony might have liked him enough to offer Stark Industries assistance.

He clasped Tony’s hands warmly in his own, “Mr. Stark! What a pleasure to have you here with us,” his eyes filled with confusion when they landed on Steve, “and, Mr. Rogers? Well this is an unexpected pleasure.” He held out his hand to shake Steve’s, grip firm, mouth tipped up, but gaze practically brimming with the unasked question.

Steve cursed himself bloody for not coming up with a reason to give before he’d shown up, some reason for him being there that actually made sense. He racked his brain, thinking of answers and possible responses, systematically deleting anything that left too much suspicion.

Luckily he didn’t have to search for an answer for too long as Tony jumped in before Steve had made it through scenario two playing out in his head. He threw his hand back till it tapped Steve’s chest twice, “You know how it is, never likes for me to travel alone, such a worrier,” He leaned forward towards Mattias conspiratorially, “If you ask me, I think he just misses me when I’m gone.” 

Steve rolled his eyes, playing along with Tony’s antics. He made his voice as deadpanned as possible, “that must be it”, he clasped Tony’s shoulder and squeezed, “Never a dull moment with this one.”

Mattias smiled good naturedly, clarity washing over his features, “well we’re honored you could join us for our tour; big things in the works, if you’ll follow me this way.”

The tour of Bohlen Inc. seemed to stretch on continuously with no end in sight. All around employees tried their damnedest to impress Tony, especially under the watchful eyes of their CEO Mr. Bohlen. Steve made note to give Tony props later for managing to complete his task without being caught, seeing as there was hardly a single moment where someone wasn’t around showing off the latest and greatest breakthroughs that were being made.

Steve remained on high alert for all of two hours or so before he finally found himself relaxing, detecting no foreseeable threats. In all honestly, all Steve could see were a bunch of highly excitable, and maybe in need of some fresh air, scientists who were more interested in talking about their work than actually attacking them in any way shape or form.

Steve fell into place at Tony’s side, making polite conversation whenever he was prompted to, but for the most part letting Tony take the floor and do his thing.

Steve was under no illusion that this was his place, knew that he didn’t really belong here, like a fish on dry land. He was the outsider, his presence, seemingly, completely unnecessary, yet, he didn’t regret his decision to tag along. No, he was glad to be there with Tony, would have been bouncing off the walls if Tony had insisted he stayed behind, monitoring him any way he could, just in case backup was needed. Not that he planned to give Natasha the satisfaction of letting her know she was right about that minor detail.

In the time where Steve wasn’t occupied with conversation, which was often, he found himself taking moments here and there to stand back and observe Tony interact with an audience of his peers. He watched him play to the crowd, discussing techno-babble at a breakneck pace with like-minded people who hung greedily on his every word.

Steve was almost sure he saw a few of them taking notes.

These people, they understood everything that came out of Tony’s mouth, they contributed to the conversation in a way that Steve, at times, struggled to do.

It used to bother him more, he mused, early on in their friendship, when Tony would talk at him, throwing out more technical jargon than Steve could rightly be expected to follow and then starring expectantly at Steve when he had no answer. The silence had always been fragile then, both still learning how to behave so that the moment wouldn’t shatter, forcing them to pick up the pieces and try again another time.

Tony had been too fast for him then, was still fast, head in the future speeding ahead of Steve, off and into the distance while Steve scrambled to keep up, make up for lost time and try not get left behind.

It didn’t sit as heavily as it once had though, not after they’d both adjusted and finally worked out a balance that clicked.  Man from the past met a man from the future, both were destined to find peace somewhere in the present. Steve snorted quietly to himself; he never claimed to be a poet.

Watching Tony now, Steve felt nothing but a swell of pride blossoming in him for his friend, this brilliant charismatic man, the one he loved.

Tony was amazing.

Tony beamed at him, eyes crinkling at the corners when he caught Steve openly starring and Steve ducked his head abruptly flustered at having been caught out. He heard Tony huff and laugh under his breath.

Steve chanced a glance up at the other man, only to see him wink quickly before turning back to his adoring audience with all the excited exuberance of a child showing off.

Steve shook his head at his back fondly, relished in the swirling, tumbling, twisting sensation that washed through him. He wanted to move forward, to wrap his arms around Tony’s waist and burry his face in the juncture where his neck met his shoulder. He found himself actually taking one step before he managed to halt his movements  

It was inappropriate of course, a moment of weakness on his part; they were technically still on a mission. Steve knew he needed to reel it in. He closed his eyes briefly, focused on pushing the feeling back in place.

When he opened his eyes it was a surprise to catch Mattias looking right at him. Steve felt exposed, the back of his neck go hot. He gave a weak smile and a shrug, trying to convey something he wasn’t even sure of.

 Mattias shook his head bemusedly and turned his attention back to his employees and Tony.

Steve breathed out deeply and settled back in for the rest of the tour.

* * *

 

When all was said and done, the tour finally brought to a close, Mattias insisted that they both join him and a few other higher ups for dinner, their treat, which Tony accepted even as Steve covertly jabbed him in the side.

Once they were secure in their own rental car, following close behind Mattias as he led them to the restaurant of his choosing, Steve spoke, hands gripped tightly on the wheel, “What are you thinking Tony?”

Tony gave Steve a side eye, “I’m thinking that it would be better to put any suspicions to rest before they can rightfully form.” He threw his arm over the back of Steve’s seat, ran his fingers distractingly over the nape of Steve neck. Tony played dirty without even realizing it, “It’s just dinner, by the time my information comes in we’ll be long gone.”

Steve shot Tony one quick look before turning back to the road, “Long gone, I’m holding you to that.”

No matter how much he told himself not to indulge Tony, Steve couldn’t help the smile that worked its way free when Tony tapped, _‘Yes dear’,_ in Morse code along his neck.

* * *

 

They ended up in a lively joint with far too many people who seemed to be laughing, eating, and dancing their worries away.

It wasn’t the type of place Steve would have picked, but, even so, dinner turned out to be a nice enough affair. Steve gave most of the credit to Tony for that; he kept the conversation light and fresh, drawing everyone’s attention in, laughing and carrying on as if there wasn’t a care in the world outside of their table. Hell, if Steve hadn’t known better, he would have thought that they had all been good friends for years upon years.  

Under different circumstances, Steve could even see himself eventually getting along fairly well with Mattias who gave as good as he got, with a laugh that was so boisterous, Steve found it hard not to join in.  

Hours passed before the conversation wound down, plates long since taken away, the men and women at the table relaxing back with their drinks as Bohlen Inc.’s head mechanical engineer, Kris or Cam or Kellum, recalled the story of his last vacation in Italy that Steve found himself only half listening to. The other half of him was occupied with finding an appropriate moment to excuse both himself and Tony, when he caught movement from the corner of his eye.

He tensed as a beautiful dame with midnight black hair and fiery red lips tapped Tony on the shoulder, leaned in close to his side and requested a dance.

Out came Tony’s Cheshire grin, quick as day. He looked over at Steve, “you don’t mind?”

Steve planted his hands firmly on his thighs, forced himself to smile good naturedly, “no Tony, go on.” It wasn’t what he wanted to say, of course it wasn’t, Steve never said what he wanted to say in these situations, only what was expected.

Tony tipped his head at the others and Steve before he was up and out of his seat, leading the women out to the dance floor, a hand already making its way to her lower back.

Steve realized quickly, that with the absence of Tony, he lost much of his inclination to participate in the conversation happening around him. Instead he watched the dance floor, watched as Tony wound his way through dance partners, man and woman, young and old, arms never lacking in stunning people to hang off of them. Steve couldn’t bring himself to tear his eyes away.

He wanted to, for his own sanity he needed to.

Steve didn’t realize that most of the small talk had stopped, not until he managed to pull his gaze away from the way Tony’s hands moved along a lovely blonde as he swung her around to the music, head tipped back with laughter when she tried to spin him.

He caught Mattias’ eye, set his shoulders and smiled apologetically, “Sorry, just a bit distracted. It’s been a long day among many.”

Mattias nodded his head and sipped his drink, “indeed.” He paused and leaned forward on his elbows, “I assume that you and Tony don’t actually get much alone time, what with your respective occupations.”

“You wouldn’t be wrong there.”

Mattias sighed wistfully, “The missus is always on my case, always at the office, never make enough time for just the two of us. Though, it must be a bit better, seeing as you two at least work partially together.”

Steve found himself nodding along with the others before he actually took in the full meaning of Mattias’ words, “Oh” Steve started to shake his head, “Tony and I –“

Tony walked up then, placed his hands on Steve’s shoulders, “Steve! Come dance with me.” Steve startled and turned his head too look up at Tony. He hadn’t even noticed him coming up.

Tony turned to Mattias, “please excuse us, now that I’m warmed up I’d like to get my hands on the main course.”

Steve felt his face flushing, pleased despite knowing that Tony didn’t mean it, not the way Steve wanted him to.

Everyone grinned at the both of them and gestured for them to go on, shooing them away.  

Tony wasted no time pulling Steve along until they reached the dance floor that Tony had spent the last half hour on already.

The song was slow, which Steve was grateful for, but it also meant that Tony pulled him in, the warmth of his body pressed close, setting Steve’s nerves on fire where they touched. He squeezed Steve’s hand firmly, “you lead.”

Steve did as he was told, shuffling his feet until he picked up a rhythm they could both follow. His breath faltered, heart picking up significantly, when Tony’s chin fell to rest on his shoulder. He hoped fervently that Tony didn’t notice, didn’t hear or feel his erratic pulse.

If he hadn’t then, then he surely must have the second that Tony’s breath puffed out at his ear. Tony let out another long breath before he actually spoke, “They found an irregularity in their systems, nothing unusual enough for alarms, but their poking at it as we speak. The scans came in, 100% match to the droids. They’re stored at a base in Voxholm.” Tony paused, tapped his fingers at Steve’s waist, sounding preoccupied, “spin me.”

Steve spun Tony dutifully and then pulled him back in closer than he had been, closer than he meant to. He wrapped his arm around Tony’s waist tightly, in for a penny in for a pound and all. Tony didn’t appear to mind how close Steve held him, barely seemed to notice, “They’re going to break through eventually, and then we’ll be hard pressed to get out of here without chase and even harder pressed to get to the supply.”

Steve let his eyes flick to the table briefly only to catch the surprisingly watchful eye of the CFO. He shot the woman an easy smile even as his stomach flipped with unease. He turned his attention back to Tony, “We need to leave, now.”

“We can’t just leave, Steve”

Steve hissed under his breath, “ _long gone_ , you remember that?”

Tony scowled, “I know, but do you think making a dash for it after talking won’t look suspicious? They weren’t born yesterday; they’ll know what’s going on if we just up and run off the second we get a minute alone. We need all the time we can get.”

Steve frowned, mind racing, trying to come up with a plan of escape. He spoke aloud “no, Mattias thinks we’re together. He’ll think we just want some time alone.”

Tony pulled away enough to look up at Steve curiously and Steve’s ears went hot when he realized what he’d said, “he thinks we’re together?”

Steve fought to keep his expression neutral, “well, yeah. I didn’t tell him—he just assumed.”

Tony’s lips twisted and then fell back into place, light bulb clearly switching on with the way he perked up, “Natasha!”

“What about her?” She wasn’t there; there was no way she could provide them with assistance at the moment.

Tony nodded his head, sure with the plan he had yet to let Steve in on, “she told me once, public displays make people uncomfortable” Tony grinned smugly, “turned out to be one of the top ten missions I’ve ever been on—Don’t tell Nat I told you though.”

Steve didn’t know where to start, “okay, but—“ he tilted his head, contemplating the implications and finding himself irrationally miffed that Natasha had never mentioned she’d gotten to first base with Tony. “You kissed Nat?”  He’d have to get her to tell him that story when they got back.

Tony cut his thoughts short, “yes, but that’s not the point. I’ll tell you about it later.”

“You still haven’t told me how exactly you kissing Natasha has anything to do with—“

 “Kiss me.”

Steve stumbled over his words, would have stopped dancing completely if it weren’t for Tony subtly stomping on his foot, mumbling for him to keep moving. “What?”

Steve wasn’t sure he’d heard right, Tony could possibly have been asking him to do _that._

Tony’s arms went around his neck, face moving close, too close for Steve’s brain to work an active thought around. “They’ll look away, allow us to leave with no question, won’t suspect anything until it’s too late.”

Steve still hesitated, “Why? He already thinks—“

Tony rolled his eyes, impatient, “Thinks, Steve; this is evidence. We have viable roles and now we have to play our parts.”

Steve needed to be sure, needed to be 100% sure that what he thought he was hearing, was actually what was being asked of him. He tried to focus passed the pounding in his chest, the rush of his pulse. His own voice filtered through as if he’d been hearing it from under water. “You want me to just kiss you, just, right now, kiss you?”

Tony’s arms around his neck squeezed tighter, face closer as he just slightly went up on his tip toes. He looked up at Steve through thick eyelashes, his voice low in a way that shot straight to the pit of his stomach, curling and twisting till he felt almost nauseous with pleasure, “Make it good Steve, like you really want me, like—like you have to have me in your bed right now.”

Steve could do that, it was pitifully hilarious how well Steve could do that. He nodded, a lump in his throat, he could do it easily.

Steve put one hand up to Tony’s face, rubbed his thumb lightly over his cheekbone. He squeezed his eyes shut as his lips brushed slowly, barely any pressure against Tony’s own and he paused, suddenly terrified that he’d open his eyes and everything would be wrong, Tony would jerk away and ask what Steve though he was doing.

His mind was put at ease when Tony made a noise from somewhere in the back of his throat, parted his mouth with a small exhale and gripped the collar of Steve’s dress shirt tightly in his hand, tugging Steve in harder, more insistent.

Everything fell away then, like he was freefalling without a parachute, the only fixed point being Tony, on him, surrounding him, keeping him from crashing.

Steve pushed forward, sighed lightly, happily, and met Tony’s tongue eagerly with his own.

In all likelihood, it was probably the only kiss Steve would ever get from Tony, and no matter how bad he would feel later, how much it would hurt, damn it, Steve was going to enjoy it now. He could enjoy it now.

Steve’s thoughts whirred, blurred together making it impossible to catch on to much more than the most prevalent one; he was kissing Tony. Not just kissing Tony, he was making out with him, mouths moving together in the way he had occasionally, often, fantasized about. Hot, sultry, desperate to get more, to get closer. He wanted more, wanted anything Tony could give him.

Steve didn’t know how much he could have before it would become too much, how much he could take without crumbling when it was over.

He lost himself to the press of Tony’s lips, lost himself in the smell of Tony’s cologne and the way his hands moved over Steve’s body, the warm pressure of his fingers, the way Tony’s body felt under Steve’s hands, one tangled helplessly in Tony’s hair, the other running down along Tony’s spine before falling to the small of Tony’s back in an effort to bring him in closer.  

It ended far too soon, Tony pulling back flushed and breathing harshly, his lips puffy and spit slick. Steve felted jilted, uncomprehending; he’d done that, he’d been kissing Tony, and then he wasn’t. He wanted to still be kissing Tony, found his mouth chasing after Tony’s retreating face without much more than that one thought. He only stopped at the feel of a hand on his chest, looked up to meet Tony’s half cast eyes.

Tony’s mouth curved up as he ran his hands appreciatively down Steve’s chest, his brown eyes gleaming wickedly, invitingly, up at Steve, “That should do it, get our coats and I’ll meet you by the door.”

Steve frowned before he could stop himself, squeezed his eyes shut to try and focus. It was an act; they still had a job to complete.”

Tony mistook his frown for worry because the next moment, Steve felt a kiss on his cheek, close to his ear, “The armors only a call away, I’ll be fine. Go now.”

Steve forced himself to move, one foot in front of the other and walked to the door to grab their coats. He took the time to breath, to file everything away until they weren’t in danger. He couldn’t afford to lose focus now. Not when he still had Tony to get home safely.

Steve took a breath, caught Tony’s reflection walking toward him in the glass in front of him, Mattias trailing slightly behind him.

Right, he still had a part to play. Steve waited until Tony touched his shoulder lightly before turning around, hands falling immediately to Tony’s waist to tug him in till he was almost plastered against Steve front.  He leaned forward until their lips just barely touched, “How do you feel about starting in the car? You could drive and I can bl—“ he flickered his eyes up and feigned surprise when he saw Mattias watching them, a touch amused, a touch uncomfortable.

Steve gave Tony enough leeway to move back, but kept one hand on his back, “Mr. Bohlen, ah” he didn’t have to reach far for a flush of embarrassment, “sorry, sir, didn’t see you there. I hope you don’t mind our leaving, Tony and I just wanted to – uh…” Steve trailed off and shot Tony a slightly wide eyed look.

Tony had a rosy hue high up on his cheeks that Steve was almost startled to see. He smiled coyly up at Steve and then turned his gaze back to Mattias, shuffling just a bit closer to Steve as he spoke, “you know how it is, impromptu vacations. It’s nice to get the chance to, ahem, relax.”

Steve watched Tony’s tongue flicker out over his lips, suddenly heavily lidded, mouth parting in a way that had nothing to with playing his part and everything to do with remembering the feel of that tongue along his own.

His hand flexed on Tony’s back involuntarily for a moment before he caught it. He resolutely squared his shoulders, looked back at Mattias and then lied through his teeth, “We had a lovely day, I hope we get the chance to meet again sometime.”

Mattias shook both of their hands and wished them a good night, with a well placed wink to Tony when he thought Steve wasn’t looking, before he turned and disappeared into the crowd.

Steve kept his arm tight around Tony as they made their way into the crisp night air, walking as quickly as possible while still trying to appear casual.

Steve had a feeling it was going to be a long night.

* * *

 

The trip to the hotel to pick up their things, along with the trip to Voxholm, was silent, wrought with an underlining tension that crept in the minute they stepped foot into the car outside of the restaurant. Steve couldn’t shake it no matter how hard he tried, not that he could really claim he tried very hard.

Instead he pushed it aside, pushed it away like he pushed away the urge to touch or even look at Tony too much. Those were allowances that he couldn’t afford to take, not when he had to focus. Focus on what they would do once they hit the storage facility.

That focus came, admittedly, a lot easier with Tony inside his armor.

Steve and Tony waited, hidden in the thick of the trees, as Tony made quick work of scanning the grounds and buildings. His voice filtered out, precise and with the usual overlaying mechanical quality, just what Steve needed, “Lots of security, we need to make our way back to the main control room so that I can access the servers, scramble and delete it all. I’ve already got SHIELD in route for pickup.”

Steve hefted his shield higher on his arm and rolled his shoulders, “Let’s get this over with.”

Tony didn’t move for a long moment, and then Iron Mans face plate retracted, catching Steve off guard. He met Tony’s steady gaze warily, “what is it?”

Tony opened his mouth, then closed it, looked away and then back at Steve, barely veiled concern easily discernible on his face, “are you okay?”

Steve’s brow furrowed in confusion, “I’m fine Tony.” He looked over Tony’s shoulder at the bulk of the facility, guards walking dutifully along the perimeters, “We need to—“

Tony shook his head, armor moving seamlessly with him, “You’ve had this,” he waved his gauntleted hand in front of his face, “look on your face for the past hour. Are you sure you’re fine?”

Steve breathed, in and out, through his nose and clenched his hand behind his shield. Was he fine? Steve didn’t know, hadn’t taken the time to sort through the mess he’d pushed back. He didn’t know if he was fine, no, but he did know that he needed to do his job, which didn’t include letting his emotions get the better of him and distracting him from his main task. “I’m good Tony.” Deflection usually worked, “how about you, are you okay?”

Tony didn’t fall for it, a worried dip in his forehead that Steve wanted to smooth away with the pad of his thumb, “Is this about what happened before?”

Steve’s heart stopped dead in his chest, a cold sweat breaking out over the back of his neck.

His throat felt dry, words scratching raw, “What…” He trailed off, unable to finish. If Tony had figured it out—this really wasn’t the best time or place for this conversation.

Tony waved his hand, looked away from Steve again, “Just, California, right?”

Steve didn’t exactly breathe a sigh of relief, but he did relax marginally.

Tony barreled on, “I can’t promise you that it won’t come to a fight, and I can’t promise that if things look like they’re getting out of hand, I won’t shut them down by any means. But, just trust me. I won’t do any of that until I need to.” He met Steve’s with a quick jerk of his head, eyes wild and pleading, “I’ll do whatever needs to be done to get you out of here safely.”

Steve felt warmth everywhere, a steady thrum traveling under his skin. “I—Tony you know I’m trying to do the same thing.”

Tony’s lips twitched minutely, “well, if I’m looking out for you, and you’re looking out for me, we just might make it out of here unscathed.”

Steve pushed at Tony’s armored shoulder, “of course we’re getting out of here. Captain America and the Invincible Iron Man? They don’t stand a chance.”

Steve caught the hint of a full blown, toothy smile before Steve was once again staring into the cold blue stare of Iron Mans helmet. “Let’s do this Cap.”

The guards didn’t stand a chance, Iron Man and Captain America picking everyone off silently one by one until Steve’s Avengers ID card began to bleep insistently. Then all hell broke loose.

The alarms blared, guards streaming out towards them from every direction and it was all Steve could do to quickly answer Natasha, “What’s the situation?”, he asked as he sent his shield flying at two goons raising their weapons at him.

He caught it again on his arm as Natasha’s voice filtered through, harried and a little out of breath, “It’s the droids Steve, they’re in New York. We can’t—tell me you guys figured something out on your little get away.”

Iron Man’s repulsors fired off behind Steve, non-stop even as Steve looped his arm around Tony’s suit so they could take off, “Tony’s going to shut them down. Just hold them off as much as possible, focus on clearing the streets, getting the civilians to shelter while we get this done.”

Natasha huffed, followed by an affirmative before she signed off.

Tony set Steve down in and empty corridor, though Steve doubted it would stay empty for long. “What are we—Iron Man, we need to—“ Steve cut himself off when he saw the device Tony produced from god knew where.

He poked at it a few times, before shoving it at Steve until he held it loosely in his hand. “You need to take that, plug it into the servers, any port. I can access it wirelessly from there.”

The words sat heavy in Steve’s chest, “Where are you going?”

Iron Man, already hovering in the air, angled his body away from Steve, ready to take off at any moment. “They activated the droids stored here but they’re attacking blindly. I need to get out there.”

Alone. Tony was going out there alone and Steve needed to—he jerked his head to the side and then back to Iron Man. He wouldn’t let his emotions get the best of him, he trusted Tony. “Right.”

Steve reached up and rapped his fist against the helmet, “Be safe, Shellhead.”

“You too, Winghead.”

Steve turned his attention to getting to the servers, knowing that the faster he did that, the faster he could get out there the faster this would all be over.

* * *

 

When all was said and done, the explosions produced by the droids was something truly magnificent to see, like fireworks in the sky.

Steve didn’t waste too much time staring dazedly up at the carnage, instead pulling himself, suddenly exhausted, to his feet. All around him there laid unconscious guards just waiting to be taken into custody.

Steve took a moment to steady himself before calling out for Iron Man’s status. He’d been on his way to find him when the sky had broken open and Steve had been thrown off his feet, hitting the ground hard.

He breathed a barely audible sigh of relief when Tony’s voice filtered through his communicator, breathless, but whole. “Everything’s good on my end.” He paused, irritation perceptible in his tone, “SHIELD jut arrived on site. Late to the party as usual; Though I guess they did manage to get Mattias and company taken care of, so they get points for that.”

Steve licked along his bottom lip, tasting blood, “Any news from New York?”

“It’s clear, practically your birthday back home.”

Steve nodded, tested out his limbs and received a sharp pain that tore through his left shoulder and shot straight down his arm. Dislocated, he’d know the feeling anywhere. He grimaced as he braced his arm at his side, he’d have to have it popped back into place soon. That was sure to be unpleasant. “Think you can swing by and pick me up?”

He didn’t have to wait too long, Iron Man landing in front of him not five minutes later. Cool metal gripped him around his waist, careful not to jar his shoulder, and then they were airborne, headed towards the largest group of SHIELD agents who were busy collecting and cleaning up the mess that had been made.

When Steve was back on the ground, he leaned heavily back against a crumbling structure, unsure of whether or not he had the energy to even attempt an offer to help the other agents. He definitely couldn’t with his shoulder still throbbing at his side.

Steve closed his eyes , let his his head fall back until it knocked against a particularly jagged piece of rock. He winced in pain and decided it was probably best if he just waited till Tony was done directing the SHIELD agents on what to grab and what to dispose of, giving precise instructions to the unit lead, Agent Dalton. Steve liked Agent Dalton, he was efficient and made amazing apple tarts.

It was another ten, fifteen minutes before Tony made his way back to Steve’s side, and then Steve found himself being led firmly, by his good shoulder, to a waiting Quinjet.

Steve barely opened his eyes until he was gently pushed down into a seat, trusting Tony to get him wherever it was he wanted him to be.

He did manage to pry his eyes open the second he heard Tony shedding his armor, clanks and clicks retracting  to reveal sun-kissed skin only hidden by a flight suit that clung to lean muscles in a way that drew more than Steve’s artistic eye.

Steve watched as Tony stretched out once he was completely free, like a satisfied cat after a nap, before he trailed leisurely to the back of the aircraft to rummage through a compartment hidden there.

A minute passed, just the sound of items being moved around, and then a triumphant sound that Steve just barely caught, before he was once again greeted with Tony’s considering face, leaning in towards him.

 “Okay, shoulder first.”

It was just as awful as he thought it would be, the acrid taste of blood filling his mouth as he bit through his already split lip.

“Sorry.”

Steve shook his head and tested out his shoulder, pain already less than it had been. He yawned, “No, I’m fine. Thank you.”

Tony squatted in front of Steve, between his spread legs, using Steve’s thigh to steady himself. Steve inhaled deeply through his nose as Tony reached a tentative hand up, checking his eyes first. “I think you might have a slight concussion.” He tapped a finger along Steve’s temple, causing Steve’s next breath to come out as a hiss when it hit the tender area. “you got hit pretty hard judging by this gash here—you know, this is exactly why I tell you to leave the helmet on.”

Steve mumbled, “It gets hot.”

“And I told you that I’m working on a way to fix that, but in the mean time you need to cover your head before someone knocks you into next week. Then where will we be?”

“You’ll save me Tony.”

“Not the point.” Though it seemed point enough that Tony stopped arguing with Steve for the time being. Instead he seemed to put all of his attention into disinfecting and bandaging the wound on Steve’s temple.

When he was done, he smiled up at Steve, ran the pad of his thumb over Steve’s injured bottom lip, “You know, this is a rare change of pace. It’s not too often that _I’m_ the one patching _you_ up.”

Steve swore he felt his heart skip once, twice, before it picked up speed, keeping him awake when moments before Steve was sure the soothing feel of Tony’s fingers working gently over his skin would lull him to sleep. What was Tony—“I’m glad it was me instead”, he blurted.

Tony rolled his eyes and leaned back on the balls of his feet to look up at Steve, “That’s just like you, Captain America, best of us all.” He started gathering up the supplies spread around him, placing them back in the kit he’d taken them out of.

Steve watched him, a shake of his head. That wasn’t what he meant. “No, I—“ He stopped when Tony stood, walking back toward the first aid compartment.

When he arrived back, he let his body fall into the seat next to Steve, shooting him an infectious smile as he placed his hand over Steve’s where it rested on their joined arm rests.

Steve didn’t move, even when he wanted to twist his hands until their fingers intertwined. It would be so easy to do too, but, no, this was enough for Steve, far more than he ever tried to claim himself.

The contact didn’t last long, but it didn’t end completely like Steve thought it would. Tony squeezed once, then moved his hand to brush down and to the side till only his pinkie laid over Steve’s, arms pressed together to their elbows.

 It was such a simple gesture, and it might have been the concussion talking, but Steve, brow furrowed in confusion, found himself suddenly considering that it might not be.

It wasn’t one of his halfhearted ‘maybe’s’ either, the ones that were always tainted with a dash of disbelief, that he got when he let his want distort itself into fantastical fantasies of happily ever afters.

No, this was a ‘maybe’ born of genuine contemplation.

Tony was his friend, his best friend even, but even he knew that it wasn’t considered normal to sit with one’s friend, practically holding hands. Friends didn’t run their thumbs over their friends bottom lip, split or not, as if it were nothing.

 The lingering memory of the kiss earlier that evening, came unbidden, but suddenly, tentatively, welcome.

It made him bold.

He mustered up a teasing smirk, looped their pinkies and tugged till he got Tony’s attention, a fond smile, “So, does this make your top ten list?”

Tony whole face scrunched up as he laughed, “Definitely, top five for sure. I can’t wait to tell everyone I made out with Captain America.”

Steve ducked his head and grinned, “Technically you made out with Steve Rogers.”

“Just as good.” And that had to mean something, didn’t it? “I can see the articles now, ‘Suave Stark caught canoodling with Super Soldier Steve: Mission gone right.’

Steve laughed, a full belly laugh, at that. He tightening his hold on Tony, “The alliteration is inspired, how do you manage it Mr. Stark?”

Tony shrugged, “pure, unadulterated talent.”

Steve laughed again, quieter this time, before letting it trickle into a comfortable silence that they both settled into, he really had been tired before, more now with this new idea.  

Something was there, now that Steve was really looking, was letting himself see and believe. Something sat between them, warm and simmering beneath the surface.

Tony’s voice was soft, “You can sleep Steve, I’ll wake you up in an hour to check on you.”

Steve’s eyes fell shut without protest. 

Something was there and all Steve had to do was be brave enough to grab it.

He thought, for the first time, that he just might be ready.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to take this time to thank [ BobhasRainbowVeins](http://archiveofourown.org/users/BobhasRainbowVeins/pseuds/BobhasRainbowVeins) for taking the time to Beta the first few chapters for me. It don't know if I would have ever had this prepared and posted if she hadn't helped me out. 
> 
> I'd also like to thank all of you who take the time to read this and I hope that you enjoy. 
> 
> ~Aly


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